A Year Ago Today

I was doing about this same thing – fighting tears (not putting up a very good fight, I should add…) and mourning the passing of my oldest brother – my hero, my idol, the man I wished desperately that I could have better understood. How I wished I could have known how he felt about him, and how I wished I could adequately express my love for him.

I don’t know if he knew. But I hope he knows now.

Ironically, on this day a year ago, Russ was also gone for the military, and I mourned my brother alone. Today, he is also gone on a military assignment, and I am yet again alone in my sorrow.

But not entirely alone.

My family remembers him this day, and I am sure there are more tears that just mine as we remember, painfully, the day our brother, son, husband, and friend was taken from us so quickly.

There are so many questions.
Not nearly enough answers.

And time goes on, life goes on, nothing is the same for long. Even the pain is not as sharp as it was a year ago, and yet it is still there, surfacing every now and then to puncture my careless days.

My dad made a tribute video for Ross and I want to share it here.

And now, I just want to repost what I wrote a year ago, because I feel like if I don’t keep reading it and telling it, I will forget. I wish that I had more memories with and about Ross. I feel like they slip so easily through my fingertips. And I am left with a gaping hole in my heart where those memories should be warming my soul.

My Post from a year ago, today:

Ross Richard Werner passed away Saturday, August 14, 2010 in the presence of his wife Jane, father, sister Christy, brother-in-law Adam, and other friends and family. His passing leaves a very large hole in my heart, and I am aching with the desire to say more, do more, and be more to and for him.

I am actually writing this on Friday, August 6, 2010.

Two weeks before it will post.

I’m not ready to face what is coming, and so... like anyone else, I’m denying it will happen, and pretending it won’t, until it’s too late.

Yesterday we talked with my oldest brother, Ross, on Skype.

He beat brain tumors and swelling from a fall, and is getting stronger every day in rehab.

Meanwhile, the tumors in his chest are growing and growing.

The doctors have given him a timeline – weeks, maybe a few months.

Probably more like weeks.

They gave him a choice to do some more chemo, but it won’t help, they say.

 

So, I’ve booked a flight to Seattle to see my brother. Probably for the last time.

I would like to tell you my story about my brother.

 

Ross

from my perspective

Growing up, I loved my brother. I wanted to be just like him. I wanted his stuff. I wanted his friends. I wanted his talents (he is so talented!). In fact, when I started junior high – I wanted to even dress just like him. Big baggy pants and big baggy shirts (what was I thinking? I got a little smarter the next year, and realized that I could be like my brother without sacrificing fashion).

Ross played the violin. Really well. I wanted to play the violin just as well as him. So I practiced every day until my fingers were raw. I even tried to get into the BYU Music School. No one made me love music more than Ross (except maybe my mother – but he got it from her, too). Ross played the piano. Really well. I wanted to play the piano really well, too. I didn’t practice all the time. Piano and I have never really gotten along, as far as practicing-to-get-good goes. But I do enjoy playing. Then Ross learned how to play the guitar and got good. I wanted to play the guitar, too. So I practiced every now and then.

Ross was great with computers. He even taught me about RAM once when I was in high school, or maybe college. He showed me how to install new RAM in a computer. I developed a new level of admiration for my brother. He is so smart! My interest in computers at all is because of Ross. I wanted to learn some programming languages. I wanted to learn how to build my own websites. I wanted to learn how to fix computers and mess with them and stuff. I even wanted to learn how to use Linux (which I did, sort of, for a while... but then I got lazy... er, had kids).

Ross loves to read. He loves music. He loves to learn. He loves to play games (my love of European board games? From Ross). My love of reading? Ross. My intense desire to Google anything that I don’t understand? Ross.

Probably the only things Ross didn’t inspire me to do is read my scriptures, pray regularly, run, and eat healthy. That was Janie (his wife).

I hold him on this pedestal (and Janie goes right beside him on it). And I don’t think he knows that. Really, all I want to be I want to be because of my brother. Because he is such a great example of hard work, honesty, learning, knowledge, having fun, and being a good person.

I plan on telling him all these things (and more) when I get to see him in person.

I hope it doesn’t sound too cliché – making amends with him as he’s dying. I would have said these things before, but I never knew the right words to say, and I worried that he wouldn’t want to hear it. But now it doesn’t matter if he wants to hear it. There are no bridges to be burned. There won’t be another chance. If I want him to hear it, I need to tell him now.

That is my story about how much I love my brother.