I Love to See The Temple

On Sunday I found an 11am ward meeting and took the kids. In all of my careful packing I had completely spaced bringing any of our church stuff. No books, no crayons, nothing. I did have a few toys, so I brought them hoping we could get through sacrament meeting without too much trouble. Apparently that was too much to ask of my travel weary children. They fought and screamed so much I had just about decided to leave church altogether when a really nice sister from the ward caught me as I was getting the kids into the car. She introduced herself and asked if she could help. I was in tears I was so frustrated. She offered to sit outside in the grass with Vincente so I could go in an listen to the meeting. My tears changed to tears of gratitude. She was so sweet. She even got Vincente ready for Primary and helped me find the class. I can’t for the life of me remember her name. I should have written it down somewhere! I felt really loved by Heavenly Father that day. He basically sent me an angel.

After church we went back to the hotel and met up with Meg (Geoff had left already) to have lunch and then head to the temple in Littleton. I had been trying to think of things to do while we were traveling that would help us keep the Sabbath day holy. Church took a good 4 hours, and a trip to see the temple grounds would be another couple of hours, then we could watch a Church video and have dinner and the kids would be ready for bed! It was a perfect plan, and other than the slight hang up at Church (which ended up with a beautiful blessing) Sunday was a perfect day.

It was fun to take Megann to the temple. She didn’t know much about the temples, so before we left I told her a few things and showed her the Church temple website and some pictures of both the inside and outside of the temple. On the drive to the temple I got to talk to her a little more about the temple and share my testimony of the temple. I love going to the temple. Even just being on the grounds feels really special to me. It melts my heart to see my children eagerly looking out the window trying to see the angel Moroni at the top of the temple as we got closer to it. I love that they love the temple so much. It was fun to find a new temple to visit.

There was a family of little bunnies hopping around the temple grounds. The kids got a kick out of that. The bunnies weren’t nearly as fond of the kids as the kids were of the bunnies.

We took some pictures at the temple and then headed back to the hotel and watched The Testaments: Of One Fold and One Shepherd (a movie that always makes me cry and is highly recommended – you can buy it here).

It was actually one of the best Sundays ever.

Back Again

Well, here I am, a month between posts again, with not really much desire to post anyway, but feeling like I should (since it’s been so long…)

Writing usually makes me feel better, but right now all I can think about it all the things that need to get done and haven’t in the past few days (weeks?).

Basically I feel behind, overwhelmed, sick, and tired (allergies, anyone?). Blah.

wisdom

Remember this recent post, and this one?

Sometimes I think Heavenly Father likes to build us up before He allows us to experience trials. That sounds kind of mean – seriously, it’s almost like a really mean joke. “Here are a bunch of blessings. And now I will try you beyond anything you’ve ever experienced.” I’m not sure if He is teaching me to appreciate my blessings more, or if He just wants to give me extra strength to get through the hard times.

But I know that Heavenly Father just knows so much more than we do. Our little human minds can’t even begin to fathom the duties and blessings He has in store for us.

In the talk from Elder Cook that I quoted in my last post, he goes on to recite this passage from Doctrine and Covenants – when Joseph Smith is in jail and cries to God, and Heavenly Father, in His infinite wisdom and mercy comforts Joseph with this powerful promise:

“My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment;

“And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high.”

Recently in our family scripture study we have been reading 2 Nephi 2, where Lehi teaches his family about opposition and gives an excellent logical argument for God existing. Elder Cook teaches us (in that same talk) that an essential gospel doctrine “is that there must be opposition in all things for righteousness to be brought to pass.”

Well, we’re definitely experiencing that.

“We know from the scriptures that some trials are for our good and are suited for our own personal development. We also know that the rain falls on the just and the unjust. It is also true that every cloud we see doesn’t result in rain.”

Right now, what we are experiencing is a very very ominous looking cloud. It hasn’t rained (yet) and we hope that it won’t, and fortunately, this cloud is the kind that we can blow away if we have enough faith and work hard enough.

But the best part about having trials?

“Regardless of the challenges, trials, and hardships we endure, the reassuring doctrine of the Atonement wrought by Jesus Christ includes Alma’s teaching that the Savior would take upon Him our infirmities and ‘succor his people according to their infirmities.’”

Being able to partake of the atoning sacrifice of our Savior, and feel its power in our lives, and feel the Savior succoring us, “according to [our] infirmities.”

And how sweet that feeling is.

Ultimate Mothering Success

Vincente just woke up from his nap crying, and I could tell he needed to go pee. When he got on the potty, I realized that he had peed a little bit in his undies, but he woke himself up to go pee! And then, he went back to his nap!

He has been dry for the past week or so, but we still make him wear a Pull-Up to bed (mostly because I hate changing pee sheets every morning – especially now that he sleeps in a full bed).

I feel like this is a huge step toward dry nights and dry naps!

I could not feel better as mother as I do right. Not that it has anything to do with me – but it’s just one less thing I have to worry so much about!

hope ya know, we had a hard time

“…many of the trials and hardships we encounter in life are severe and appear to have lasting consequences. Each of us will experience some of these during the vicissitudes of life.” (Elder Quentin L. Cook)

We’re experiencing a little bit of this right now and could use some extra prayers.

Don’t ask for any details, because I won’t give them, but we could use some extra prayers for the next little while.

My New Normal v. 5.0

(one of the do’s from here on Joss… yes, this is in Sacrament Meeting. Sue me)

You may remember that I am on a continuous quest to find my new normal. It (my normal) changes as the seasons change – both the literal seasons, and the metaphorical ones.

For a while, I didn’t have a very good grasp of the concept, and was down on myself for not getting enough done each day. (read: not doing the dishes, keeping the house sanitary, reading to my kids, etc). I’m not sure what on earth I was doing, but it most definitely wasn’t being productive.

So I went into “super-structured-productivity” mode where I attempted to write every task I could do on an index card, put them in a box, and tried to go through them in the day. Rarely did I get all of them done, and more often than not, I would end up at noon with 5 cards before the one that said “Lunch.” Obviously, that method wasn’t working.

For a while, I tried paring down the cards, but that just left me frustrated at the end of the day, because I wasn’t doing everything I really wanted to do.

Then I ditched all methods of organization and structure completely. Which basically led to chaos and destruction.

Finally, I read President Uchtdorf’s talk for the millionth time (okay, probably for the 30th – but dude, for a Conference talk, that’s a LOT of reads!) – this time I read it to prepare a talk for Sacrament Meeting. Remember that one I wrote in Portuguese? Well, I guess this time, the talk actually got through to me. And all those other times I thought I had been learning something.

Well, I don’t know if it was the actual words of the talk, or just all the gears the talk got turning, but I finally figured it out.

What did I figure out?

This:

 There has to be a balance between structure and flexibility.

The structure part needs to be those four most important relationships that President Uchtdorf talked about. The flexibility is for all the other stuff (the laundry, the dishes, etc etc).

In my new normal it means this:

- meal times are structured. They happen at (roughly) the same time every day. Breakfast, Lunch and Dinner.

- morning devotional, “preschool”, special play time, reading time, and nap time happen at (roughly) the same time every day.

- everything else goes on a card in the box, and I do the cards as I can throughout the day.

                                          (Vincente doing Warrior 2)

So far this has been leaving me feeling great. I feel good because the most important things are there (I’m taking care of the temporal and spiritual needs of myself and my children), and I can still get a lot of the other things done. You know, the semi-important things like having clean clothes to wear and clean dishes to eat off of, and food in the cupboards.

I’m still tweaking the cards – I think I’m going to start having the ones I have to do every day, and then the “other stuff” that carries over to the next day if I didn’t get to all of it today. Instead of always washing the toilets, and never vacuuming (seriously, I like cleaning toilets probably more than any other chore. Call me weird. Or maybe a veteran BYU custodian. Either one works.)

But at least now I am less stressed, I feel like I’m doing the most important things, and I still feel like a good wife and mother (i.e., the house is – mostly – clean when Russ gets home from work, and dinner is either ready, or getting ready). My kids like me more, and I get to play with them more often, and do the things they want to do, instead of having some system or schedule control me. I can drop what I’m doing and go play with them, and then just come back to the task later, because there is no pressure to “get ‘er done” before lunch. I’ll just stop and do lunch if it gets to be lunch time.

P.S. I left my camera at the in-laws (over 30 miles away) and therefore will only be posting pictures from my iPhone or from forevers ago until further notice. My sincerest apologies. And eventually I will post more birthday stuff for Vince. I do love him, I promise. I just left all his bday pics on the camera in Salem. Sad day.

Happy Hump Day

Is it Wednesday already? I am so ready for the weekend – probably because it is General Conference weekend.

I hope that I didn’t offend anyone with my breastfeeding post. I was just feeling kind of strongly about it at the moment.

I dreamt last night that I gave birth to a little baby boy who weighed about 7.5 lbs. He was beautiful, and I breast fed him. And Christy (my sister) was there with me at the birth instead of Russ. And I didn’t even have to push him out. Ha ha ha. That was probably the part that gave it away as a dream!

Not sure if it means anything (I am not pregnant – and not trying to be pregnant). Just thought I’d share. It was kind of a crazy dream. And at first he wasn’t crying (he was doing that silent cry that really really made babies do) but then he suddenly started crying, and that’s when I woke up (around 1:30 a.m.) to hear Joseline screaming in her room.

So we spent nearly the entire night trying to calm a freaked out two-year-old. Several prayers, songs, water bottles, and snuggles later, she was asleep. But I think she’s going to need a serious nap.

Caution: Bumpy Road

This is what our life has been like the last week – a very, very bumpy road. Thank goodness it’s almost over, and everything has worked out.

I’m always amazed at our Father’s ability to make the hard times not seem so bad.

Among the issues of the week was Russ’ car’s alternator dying. He got it to start at work in Lehi and drove it all the way down Redwood Rd and it died waiting for the light to cross Bangerter highway. So I gave him a little nudge with the van (which scratched the paint on my beautiful bumper!!) and he made it across the intersection. Then I put a cloth shopping bag on my bumper and gave him another little push into a bank parking lot where we jumped his car. It made it a little farther down the road, but then he had to stop at a red light and it died again. So we pulled it over and charged his battery again a little with my car. Rinse and repeat, basically. This time, he made it to the left turn lane right in front of AutoZone and was able to push the car into the parking lot. We had originally thought it was the battery (which apparently in a Dodge Stratus you have to get at through the wheel well -  we will never ever own one of these cars again… ever) but at this point we were pretty sure it was the alternator. Sure enough – the battery was fine, but it needed a new alternator. Our favorite shop is all the way in West Valley, and at this point we were in South Jordan (10400 S 1500 W ish). The shop is at 5600 W and 3100 S. Oh yeah, and it’s been raining pretty much this whole time). So we buy a tow cable at AutoZone and hook up Russ’ car to the van and tow it all the way across the western Salt Lake Valley. It was an adventure. I was actually really enjoying myself. I had prayed the whole time that we would make it safely to the auto parts store (because I figured we just needed a new battery, and the guys at AutoZone could help us figure out how to replace the battery).

Well, we made it safely, and sure enough it needed a new alternator, and it’s all fixed and ready to go for us (we seriously really love this shop – they do a great job, warranty their parts and labor, and you don’t have to pay out your nose for it! and they are honest, and helpful, and fast – we left the car there last night with the key in the drop box, and by the time I called at 9am, they had looked at the car and were finding out which part to order so they could call and give me a quote. Then they called around noon to tell me it was done and ready for pickup).’

So we’re doing well, and have experienced the fact that Heavenly Father doesn’t always make our life peachy, even when we have faith – but he does help us through our trials, whether by actually making them lighter, or by making them seem lighter.

“I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.”

Philippians 4:13

Monday Musings – Things that Matter Most

There are things that matter, and things that matter most. Being showered, dressed, and looking nice? Sure that matters. But if it takes away the time I get to play with  my kids, I’d rather be wearing my jammies all day and playing Star Wars with my 3 year old in his undies, and my baby in her diaper.

Because that matters more than getting dressed in the morning.

Especially when we’re all sick.

Monday Musings - Mother’s Day In

Well, the pictures below have almost nothing to do with what I’m writing about, but I need to post pictures, so here you go.

I went to my in-laws house last week and spent the night. Russ was gone, so it was just me and the kids. And today, while I was thinking about how refreshing it was to go there, I realized exactly why (besides the fact that I really like them!).

I love my babies. So much. And I always need their cuddles and love. But I also need a little time to myself.

One solution to this dilemma is to take the kids to a daycare, get a sitter, or otherwise remove them from my presence (or me from theirs). But whenever I do this, one of two things happens:

1.) If I left the kids because I needed to get something done (take a class, run errands, etc) I end up completely focused on the task, and I end up not really having time to myself.
2.) If I left the kids because I “needed time to myself” or went on a date with their Papai, I end up thinking (or talking) about the kids the whole time.

So I’ve discovered what is actually more refreshing for me:

Having the kids where I am (in the same house, but not necessarily climbing all over me, needing me to feed them, wash them, potty them, etc etc) but having someone else be the primary caregiver for them. That means, if they come running to get on me, the other person who is taking care of them comes and gets them and takes care of their needs. But they are still around for me to go give love and kisses to, or play with for a little while. Or if I decide I want to feed them a snack, I can – but all the pressure of caring for the children is removed.

Sometimes Russ does this (takes care of the kids while I’m still around), and I feel great afterward. It’s like just enough of a break without feeling like I’m “getting away” from my kids. I don’t want to get away from them, but knowing that I don’t have to be the one making sure their every need is met at every second is a nice breather for me.

I think that is what makes me feel like a new person. Heck, what makes me feel like a person instead of solely a source of sustenance for two small children and a pillar for a grown man.

(p.s. funny story about that snowman – a few weeks later, Vince was asking, “Let’s go outside and make a Vincente-size snowman so I can put the carrot in his nose. Not a big snowman.” Ha ha. Cute kid.)

There is Sunshine in My Soul

For those of you who might not remember, or don’t know, my oldest brother passed away last August after a 9 month battle with cancer.

Shortly after he passed, me and the kids moved half way across the country to be closer to Russ while he was attending some training for his job. Then, a month later when he graduated from that school, we moved back to Utah. The next several weeks were a struggle and a commotion – we were trying to get into our house, get Russ a job, get financing arranged for the house, and the list goes on. Then Thanksgiving, Christmas, and the new year hit, and I didn’t have two seconds to sit down and really process everything.

Russ left for some more job training a few weeks ago, and as I got into a rhythm with the kids, all the grief hit me.

It happened on Sunday at Stake Conference as a sweet lady behind us held Joseline, Vincente colored quietly, and I was alone with my thoughts for the first time in months. I wanted to cry and cry and cry, but sobbing loudly in the middle of Stake Conference would probably not be appropriate, so I tried to contain it, and managed with only a few tears. On Monday, I was so depressed I could barely move. I didn’t want to do anything but sit and cry – but I knew that I couldn’t cry in front of the kids – not the way I needed to – and I didn’t really want to be crying alone. So I held it in.

On Tuesday we went to spend the night at my in-laws house. It was actually perfect. I was still kind of in a funk the whole time, but my mother in law and little brothers took care of the kids, loved on them, kissed their boo boos, and fed them while I just kind of stewed. Then on Tuesday night, after everyone was in bed, I decided to write a little in my journal. I was able to work through a lot of my grief – writing in my journal is usually very therapeutic for me, and this time was no exception. I won’t share with you everything that I wrote, but I think that one of the things that I ache for the most is the relationship that I might have been able to have with my brother if he was still alive.

Well, Wednesday morning and afternoon I was still in a bit of a funk, but by the evening, I was feeling better, and last night I went to bed for the first time in months without feeling as if I wouldn’t really care if I didn’t wake up the next morning. I was ready for the next day last night when my head hit the pillow – even though I was going to bed late (after midnight). My husband, and maybe other people who know me, know that without a full 8 hours of sleep, I’m pretty grouchy in the morning and don’t want to get out of bed. But even with a late night (and a lonely one at that!) I was still anxious to get up with my alarm clock and start the morning off right!

Then yesterday there was some sunshine, and today has been sunny all day long – that probably has a lot to do with it as well. But I feel renewed, now that I got a lot of that grief out.

It’s not all over – the healing is not done – but it has finally started, after nearly 5 months. And it will continue until I see my brother again after this life. But at least I’m not standing still, knee deep in sorrow. Sure, I’m still knee deep in it – but I’m walking toward dry land. I can see it off there in the distance and I know that if I just keep moving (talking about him and the hurt inside) I will get to that dry land, and he’ll be there, and I might get a second chance with him.

Monday Musings – A House of Order

Sometimes this is what my life feels like. Messy with little bits of life strewn all over. I’ve been doing pretty well keeping my life and house in order, but the weekend was pretty crazy (thanks for coming, all you who came to warm our house!) and I felt like I was getting further and further behind on life – leaving little scattered pieces of life lying around for people to step on. It was tragic.

Thanks to my sweet husband, he picked up all the scattered pieces and delicately put them back together for me, while I slept most of the weekend off. It was great.

Then we had an uplifting evening with some new friends on Sunday, and today had Family Home Evening – a beautiful lesson about God, Jesus Christ, and the Holy Ghost (the Godhead). We sang the First Article of Faith song (in Portuguese – Regres de Fe) and we’ll sing it every day for the rest of the month, and hopefully Vincente will learn to recite the first article of faith himself. We’re going to make a sticker chart to “pass off” the articles of faith as we learn them (everyone, me, Papai, Vince, and Joss). We’re going to learn one a month, starting with the first this month (since it’s such a short article of faith, and the month is over half done, we figured it was a perfect time to start, instead of waiting until January – “New Years” resolutions can be made at any time of the year, in my book!)

So, now that the house is mostly back in order, and I got 8 full hours of sleep last night (plus a 1 1/2 hour nap! Which I wasn’t planning on taking...) I think I will be able to keep the little bits of my life from getting too scattered.

And Family Home Evening always puts me in a good mood – especially when they are followed with conversations like this:

Me: Vince, does Heavenly Father have a body like ours?
Vince: Yup.
Me: Does Jesus Christ have a body like ours?
Vince: Yep he does.
Me: What about the Holy Ghost? Does he have a body like ours?
Vince: Except, he don’t.

Love it. He soaks stuff up like a sponge (and I’m extra impressed, because FHE was entirely in Portuguese – which means he understands more than we think he does!).

What kinds of things throw your life off track? Do you ever feel like you’re leaving bits of your life strewn around? How to you clean up and get back on track? Do you have a sweet husband (or good friend) who helps pick up after you when you can’t seem to hold it all together?

PofE – When I Write

Okay, I did great in September. Remember this goal? Well, I accomplished that.

But unfortunately, the habit still wasn’t formed, and as soon as the move/house buying/life got in the way, the writing basically stopped.

So, before I move on to another habit, I really want to get this one formed. We closed on our house today (finally) and Russ finally has his job all sorted out, so I think I should get back into the swing of things soon. It’s been tough.

It’s finding that new normal again.

New Goal for November: write every day this month (well, all the days left – meaning from the 5th to the 30th).

A title-less post... I don’t think this has ever happened. I usually have something concise to name my posts – but not this one. There’s just too much to put into one title.

I feel like we kind of dropped off the grid – and we sort of did. But we’re coming back full force!

I’ve had a lot on my mind lately – we didn’t get to listen to Saturday’s general conference because we were driving during both sessions (AND Priesthood) so I’ve been listening to conference, reading stuff, feeling like I need to be better (no I don’t feel like I’m a failure – in fact, I feel like we are doing pretty well – but that’s exactly when we should probably be doing more).

This sentence from the For the Strength of Youth pamphlet has been on my mind:

Do not attend, view, or participate in entertainment that is vulgar, immoral, violent, or pornographic in any way.

President Boyd K. Packer’s talk, along with the Human Rights Campaign’s response and the Church’s re-response (?) have weighed heavy on my heart and mind. And some family situations don’t make it any lighter.

Getting our house in order again hasn’t taken nearly as long as I thought it might, and working side by side with Russ (this is pretty much the FIRST home we’ve moved in to together – he’s always been training or working when we have moved) has been fabulous. Our marriage is great. Our children are beautiful and fun, as usual. We have two great dogs that love us and are well behaved and give us an added sense of security. Russ has a secure job doing something he loves. I have a job that lets me work whenever I want (or not at all, if I don’t want to – I haven’t logged a single hour of tutoring since Russ got back from FTX in Arizona... going on 1 month! Thankfully we don’t need the income... it just goes toward our snowball).

I haven’t taken many pictures of the kids because our house has been such a disaster, and I haven’t sat down at the computer in weeks because we only got the internet on Tuesday.

I will try to resume our normal posting schedule next week (Monday Musings, Wednesday Wanderings, Friday Goals, and posts of “this life” on the other days).  Monday Musings will probably include my thoughts on President Packer’s talk. Wednesday Wanderings will take us to Gardner Village here in our new “hometown” and Friday Goals will probably revisit the journal writing (I did really well... then life/the move happened).

There will be lots of pictures, too. I promise! And videos like this one:

Monday Musings -- What Was I Thinking!?

Day 1 of new puppies is almost over.

It is bordering on nightmare for me.

I imagine it would be easier if I only had one, or if both puppies were quick with the pottying business.

The problem is, Doc doesn’t want to potty on the grass. Pee on the driveway? Sure. Poop in the kitchen? Absolutely. Pee or poop on the grass? Not on your life.

He finally went poop outside today. Neither of them have pooped in their crate, but I think Doc has peed in there a few times.

I have to take them out to potty one at a time right now, because otherwise they just want to play. It might be easier if my arms were longer (and I could keep them apart) but they just want to roughhouse. Lucy will do her business, in fact, the first time I took them out, she was just too excited to go pee, so she didn’t really go (plus, she hated the leash and spent most of our first few trips out to potty pulling at the leash). Doc seemed to be more relaxed about the leash, but he would not even walk on the grass, let alone go pee on it once he was there. Now that Lucy has discovered when she pees or poops on the grass I shower her with praise and loving, we walk outside, I tell her “Faz” (the command for - “do it” in Portuguese... yes, we speak Portuguese to the dogs, too) and she basically pees on command.

Editors note: This post was actually written on Saturday, August 14 – the day I found out my brother passed away. This was written a few hours before his passing, and I’m pretty sure the reason I didn’t finish (or post) it was because I got the call from my dad telling me to change my flight and get out there as soon as possible.

Looking back, those first few days (weeks) of having the puppies were like a nightmare for me. But the puppies are so well behaved now, and such a source of entertainment for the kids, that I can’t help but think it was worth it. All the work, the stress – and it’s not over, because we’ll have to adjust them to a new house – but it was worth it, and will be worth it. These puppies are great, and I’m glad we have them as part of our family now.

A Monkey, A Butterfly, and A Princess

For some reason, wearing an apron with monkeys on it makes you a monkey.

When my mom left for California for a sibling family reunion with her brothers and sisters, I headed to Joann’s with twin 4-year-olds, a 3-year-old, and an 18-month-old in tow. The preschoolers picked out fabric for the aprons, I picked out the coordinating fabric for the edging, and off we went home for lunch.

A few days later, the kids had a movie marathon while I spent close to 5 hours sewing 3 aprons. I was kind of making them up as I went along, which was why it took so long.

I did Vince’s first, since it was kind of simple. 

Then I tackled the girl’s aprons. KayLynn chose princess fabric. And wearing princess fabric makes her a princess. So says Vincente. The second apron went faster than the first, since I kind of already knew how to do it.

I absolutely adore the way the butterfly apron turned out (which is only pictured in the group shot at the top). The colors are gorgeous together – the yellow just so happy!

I wanted to add pockets (and may still add a pocket/s to Vincente’s, and maybe to Joseline’s when I make hers). I like the strap across the middle on the girls’.

The next day (because we spent all the time making aprons!) we made sugar cookies. I’m not a big fan of sugar cookies, but they are the best for little kids to make because they can do the cookie cutters – more fun for them. And then if you frost them, even better! Which we didn’t, because I already had a big enough mess to clean up from the cookies along with everything else going on in my life.

Mostly I’m proud of myself that I made aprons while watching 4 under 5 (granted the TV did most of the watching...).

Why did I subject myself to such stress and torture? Well, the stress was negligible, considering all the stress I was already under – and if I hadn’t made the aprons, I would have been sitting around on my duff all day doing absolutely nothing and feeling worthless at the end of the day. That kind of behavior can wear on a person.

When I get back to UT, a friend and I will make these aprons, and I’ll be sure to take pictures and post a pattern/tutorial for all you folks out there who want to be crafty and make aprons, too!

Monday Musings – Vacation

I need  a vacation.

Badly.

Thankfully we found this house to live in down in Arizona and we’ll be staying close to post. We’ll get to see Russ a little, and have a backyard, and there are some fun things to do in Arizona. I have declared September as the month of perpetual vacation.

We’ll also be closing on our house in September, which will be the crowning glory of this summer (along with Russ’ graduation).

It’s been a long summer and I’m just glad it’s almost over.

Looking back, I’m trying to figure out what good things came out of this summer. A lot of things, I’m sure. I learned a lot. I mean a lot. It has been really good for me. I don’t know that I grew a lot this summer, but I think this summer has planted the seeds for growth for the next several years.

I have met a lot of really neat people, and I have been on the receiving end of some really great service and blessings.

I have become stronger – I can run nearly 6 miles without a problem, and I could probably do more than that, but I’ve put running on the back burner right now.

I wish I could say that my testimony has been strengthened, but I think it has been mostly stagnant. I think I will spend the next few days working on that. Throw myself into prayer and the scriptures. Figure out what Heavenly Father wants me to be doing right now (rather than just “waiting” for the summer to end). That kind of thing. I’ll definitely let you know how it goes.

By the way, if you haven’t yet, go here and create your Mormon.org profile – and share the mormon.org website with anyone and everyone!

Change of Plans

Remember this list?

Well, this happened, and that list basically went right out the window.

 

So instead of all those goals, I basically have one for the rest of the summer (and September, in case you don’t still count that as summer):

survive

That’s it. I’ll worry about thriving when I get to Arizona and I’m with my sweet supporter and confidant.

I may try to run a half marathon in Arizona, but it’s more likely that I wait until October and run the Provo Halloween Half Marathon.

For the next two weeks while I’m still here in Arkansas, I will take it easy, run if I can, not run if I can’t, continue my yoga practice, maybe play some more violin, and enjoy spending time with my kids and those sweet puppies (did I mention how sweet and good those puppies are? Well, they are).

Maybe I’ll even get started on Joseline’s quilt. I’ll definitely work out the design for Vincente’s quilt.

I’ve been a little frustrated at the need to change my plans (I am a serious planner... like, probably OCD about having plans. Ask my husband, I wouldn’t even consider marrying him until he had a 10 year plan). I think I married the right guy, though, because Russ is always talking about how you shouldn’t plan stuff because you never know what’s going to happen and life may change. I say you should plan stuff, because otherwise you’re like Alice in Wonderland.

So Russ and I have been great for each other – since we’ve been married, he’s been a better planner, and I’ve been more flexible. Which means although I was a little frustrated, I moved on without too much hesitation.

And now here I am – with new plans for the future.

Monday Musings – The Living Room Floor

On Saturday I posted as my status update on Facebook that I felt like lying on the living room floor all day. I tied the puppies outside to the garbage can and left them with a bowl of water (don’t worry, it was in the shade) I got my pillow and my blanket and my cell phone (in case Russ called) and did just that. Laid on the living room floor. Joseline played around me, Vince played upstairs and occasionally came down to show me something.

In the meantime, I tried to sleep and forget about the aching heart in my chest.

It didn’t work, but I did sleep a little – and then realized I was dehydrated, which was probably the second largest contributor to my desire to lay on the floor all day.

I fed the kids lunch, sort of cleaned up (i.e. put all the dishes in the sink and put the leftovers in the fridge), fed the puppies, and then went straight back to the floor.

Fortunately Joseline eventually went down for a nap, and I decided I should probably see if the puppies needed to do #2, since they were on the concrete and only had access to about a foot of dirt/grass/garden space. While we were out with the puppies, Vince decided he wanted to ride his bike.

Which is huge. Because he hates riding his bike.

He pedaled. A lot. Really fast. And uphill! Okay, he needed a little help with the uphill part.

We probably spent an hour out in the hot hot air (the sun was mostly behind the clouds) riding his bike. He rode his bike. I mostly watched. And eventually got a bike to ride as well, because he wanted me to ride with him. The only time he wanted to get off his bike was to get a drink because he was working so hard. He would say “When you got really strong feet, the rollers will go!”  I would tell him to have “strong feet” when he was pushing the pedals, because sometimes it’s kind of hard. He did a great job, and didn’t want to stop, but we had to come inside because Joseline was awake. He has been asking to go back out on his bike ever since. Thankfully it’s cooling down (the high later this week is in the low 90s!! AAAH!!) so we’ll probably get out more often. And we have a nice flat driveway in West Jordan when we move back to UT, so he’ll be able to ride there (and a concrete patio area in the back where he can ride while I’m up observing from the kitchen window!)

Back to the living room floor. 

I’ve been having a hard time with this grieving thing. If you read my post about my brother, you know that I like to Google things. So, in true form, I Googled “How to Grieve” and came upon this website.

I particularly liked what it had to say about “getting over it” :

Myth #3: Grief is something you "get over."

Most people never stop grieving a death; they learn to live with it. Grief is a response, not a straight line with an endpoint. Many psychologists bristle at words such as "acceptance" or "resolution" or "healed" as a final stage of grief. The real stages of grief involve tasks of processing and adjustment that one returns to all through life.

That struck me, because all this time I have been thinking that I will “get over” the death of my brother. But I won’t. I do know that the Savior’s atonement can help heal my heart and teach me how to live with and adjust to the fact that my brother is no longer here. It’s going to be hard, and probably a long road (one that will no doubt stretch until my own passing), but I will learn to live with it. The loss will become part of me. The Savior will absorb the hurt for me and help me adjust to my new normal of living without my brother.

And I’m getting help. So don’t worry – there will be no more days of me lying around on the living room floor all.day.long.

When Your Gut Screams ‘No!’ but Your Mouth Says ‘Of course, I’d be glad to.’

My mom had a sign on her mirror for a long time that said this: Stress is when your gut screams ‘No!’ but your mouth says ‘Of course, I’d be glad to.’

I feel like this is saying “We create our own stress by not being okay with our limits.” Sure, we can push and test our limits sometimes – and our limits should certainly always be expanding - but if we’re not ready to expand our limits (and we need to be ready) we should just do what we can do, and don’t do what we can’t do.

For example, we can’t redeem ourselves, but we can do a lot of righteous things, and we can believe in Christ and let Him redeem us. We do what we can do, and Christ does what we can’t do.

I know this is doctrine, because it says so in 2 Nephi:

“...for we know that it is by grace that we are saved, after all we can do.”

This week has been really long for me. Most of you probably know that. If you don’t, read my previous post. Then you’ll know part of what I mean.

On top of that, for some reason beyond my understanding, I agreed to watch my twin nieces the same week I was bringing home two 8 week old puppies. Of course, I wasn’t anticipating my brother to pass away the day after I brought the puppies home. And I wasn’t expecting to switch my flight and get on an airplane in all of 24 hours. And I certainly wasn’t expecting to be as depressed as I have been.

Even though when I found out I would be alone watching the twins, my two kids, and the new puppies, and my gut screamed “No!” a little bit, I thought that was just my own selfishness, and that I should just work through that and do it anyway – after all, my help was needed, and I was willing to give (although I have recently learned that willing ≠ able). So I gave. But I really didn’t have anything to give.

So this week has been long. I have been stressed. And it’s not over yet. I can’t see the blue skies yet, even though I know they are there.

And next time my gut screams “No!” I’m going to take its advice.

 

PS – things are actually going pretty well with the puppies.

And the kids, for that matter.

I can’t wait to have our fenced backyard, though :-6