Monday Musings – The Living Room Floor

On Saturday I posted as my status update on Facebook that I felt like lying on the living room floor all day. I tied the puppies outside to the garbage can and left them with a bowl of water (don’t worry, it was in the shade) I got my pillow and my blanket and my cell phone (in case Russ called) and did just that. Laid on the living room floor. Joseline played around me, Vince played upstairs and occasionally came down to show me something.

In the meantime, I tried to sleep and forget about the aching heart in my chest.

It didn’t work, but I did sleep a little – and then realized I was dehydrated, which was probably the second largest contributor to my desire to lay on the floor all day.

I fed the kids lunch, sort of cleaned up (i.e. put all the dishes in the sink and put the leftovers in the fridge), fed the puppies, and then went straight back to the floor.

Fortunately Joseline eventually went down for a nap, and I decided I should probably see if the puppies needed to do #2, since they were on the concrete and only had access to about a foot of dirt/grass/garden space. While we were out with the puppies, Vince decided he wanted to ride his bike.

Which is huge. Because he hates riding his bike.

He pedaled. A lot. Really fast. And uphill! Okay, he needed a little help with the uphill part.

We probably spent an hour out in the hot hot air (the sun was mostly behind the clouds) riding his bike. He rode his bike. I mostly watched. And eventually got a bike to ride as well, because he wanted me to ride with him. The only time he wanted to get off his bike was to get a drink because he was working so hard. He would say “When you got really strong feet, the rollers will go!”  I would tell him to have “strong feet” when he was pushing the pedals, because sometimes it’s kind of hard. He did a great job, and didn’t want to stop, but we had to come inside because Joseline was awake. He has been asking to go back out on his bike ever since. Thankfully it’s cooling down (the high later this week is in the low 90s!! AAAH!!) so we’ll probably get out more often. And we have a nice flat driveway in West Jordan when we move back to UT, so he’ll be able to ride there (and a concrete patio area in the back where he can ride while I’m up observing from the kitchen window!)

Back to the living room floor. 

I’ve been having a hard time with this grieving thing. If you read my post about my brother, you know that I like to Google things. So, in true form, I Googled “How to Grieve” and came upon this website.

I particularly liked what it had to say about “getting over it” :

Myth #3: Grief is something you "get over."

Most people never stop grieving a death; they learn to live with it. Grief is a response, not a straight line with an endpoint. Many psychologists bristle at words such as "acceptance" or "resolution" or "healed" as a final stage of grief. The real stages of grief involve tasks of processing and adjustment that one returns to all through life.

That struck me, because all this time I have been thinking that I will “get over” the death of my brother. But I won’t. I do know that the Savior’s atonement can help heal my heart and teach me how to live with and adjust to the fact that my brother is no longer here. It’s going to be hard, and probably a long road (one that will no doubt stretch until my own passing), but I will learn to live with it. The loss will become part of me. The Savior will absorb the hurt for me and help me adjust to my new normal of living without my brother.

And I’m getting help. So don’t worry – there will be no more days of me lying around on the living room floor all.day.long.