just my musings

Okay, I kept wanting to write little extras in my halloween post, but to spare those who don't want to read my random, sometimes depressing thoughts, they are being relocated to their own post.

I am glad Halloween is over. Last year I enjoyed it. That's probably because last year I had a husband to share it with (and who did pretty much everything, other than the actual making of Vincente's costume). So yeah... I hate doing holidays as a single mom. 

And I hate being alone. I miss Russ. He's my best friend in the world, and without him around to talk to, life is really lonely. No one else can really take his place. Talking to other people is great, but talking to Russ is irreplaceable. It's as if I know that whatever I say to him will stick in his heart (even though he may not remember it). He and I are connected for eternity. We're not connected to anyone else in the world the way we're connected to ourselves. Not to our parents, not to our kids. Our parents have their spouses, and eventually we hope our children will find spouses. So I miss being close to the person I'm closest to, if that makes sense.

And in just over a week, I'll get to be with him again! Even if it is only for a few hours. I miss him so much. Having your best friend be more than a phone call away is hard. There have been countless times (especially lately) where I just wanted to pick up my phone and call him to chat for a few minutes, or text him. The last time we were this "permenantly" away from each other was when I went home to Arkansas the summer before we got engaged. But I got to talk to him almost every single night! It was fabulous! And we don't even have that, so it's really hard for me.

I miss him soooooo much.

Halloween 2008

Our Halloween festivities this year began on Wednesday night, carving pumpkins with the Rowley clan. Our pumpkins turned out pretty good, but I didn't get any pictures. They got wrinkled and old looking before Halloween night, and we got back really late from our partying tonight, so I decided not to take any pictures. They looked cute enough, but there will be many more years of carving pumpkins, so we'll get more pictures then. Vincente wasn't really into the carving thing anyway. He hasn't been feeling very well, so all the partying and to-do has made him more ornery than excited. As you can see from these pictures, he didn't really like the idea of sticking his hand in the gooey pumpkin. He was mostly okay with observing until Brady "helped" him stick his hand in the pumpkin. Then he decided he'd had it with Halloween and wanted to go to bed. Oh well. I'm sure he'll get into it more the older he gets. I don't think he really understands the dressing up and excitement, so it's just confusing for him.

Festivities continued Thursday night at the BYU Alumni party for BYU students, faculty, and alumni's children. There was story-telling, all sorts of carnival-like games (complete with candy prizes), a bounce house, coloring, popcorn, jesters, and of course a costume parade and contest. Vincente was mostly only interested in the candy, popcorn, and of course

the bounce house (although I didn't think to get pictures of him in the bounce house - mostly because he held my hand the whole time!). He got some candy, and caught a fish. Vince has been getting over some bug or other, and so I had given him Tylenol right before we went, which put him in a good mood, but made him a little lethargic for partying. There were so many people there, and I think that might have been a little overwhelming as well.

Friday evening we dropped by our ward's Trunk-or-Treat. I took decorations for my car and everything, but I forgot that I am a single mom right now, so I have to make sacrifices. So I sacrificed handing out candy at my own car so Vincente could go around and trick or treat at all the other cars. He got a good load of candy for a toddler (which will have to be carefully rationed to him over the next 5 years... ha ha, just kidding, between me and him, we'll probably have it eaten by next weekend!)

Everyone loved his little cowboy outfit. It's Russ' costume from when he was little. Russ' mom made the vest, the bandana, and the chaps. Super cute! And it's kind of fun that Vincente got to wear the same costume Russ wore once upon a time. Kind of sentimental, you know.

After the ward shindig, we hopped over to the Coyne's for their Halloween party-pot-luck. Vincente had fun for the most part, but I think he was done with so many people. Ever since living in a house with so many people here almost ALL the time, I think he's kind of sick of being around lots of people. Anyway, he did have fun with Bella toward the end of the evening. They were climbing up the Lovesac together. Vincente kept saying "Climb up" - of course, it mostly sounded like "Kine up." They played pretty well together, until Vince decided that he didn't want Bella to be climbing with him. He kind of pushed her face away (not shoving, like he usually does, just a little "get away" push). I could tell it didn't hurt her physically, because for a minute she just stood there. Then I think she realized that Vince was saying he didn't want to play with her, and her little lip started quivering, and then the tears... oh the crying and tears, it broke my heart! She was so hurt that he didn't want her to play, too! What a sensitive little sweetheart! Vincente said "Shorry" a few times, which didn't really make her feel better, but eventually when she came back over to play, he kept telling her "Shorry." It was adorable. Kids are so innocent and loving and sensitive. It reminds you of how you should be.

Oh yes, and here is the Army Scarecrow we made over at our neighbor's house a few weeks before Halloween. We used Russ' old fatigues (the BDU's they don't use anymore). I thought it looked great, and I had to get pictures for Russ. I thought he would enjoy it!

it starts

What? you ask. Ear infections. Ever since I've known Russ (maybe just since we were married, or engaged or something) I have been prepared for my children to have ear infections like murder. Russ had them so often he had to have tubes put in his ear (which helped). He didn't have them as a baby, just as a toddler, and a young child (probably until he was four or five).

It isn't official (because Vincente hasn't been to the pediatrician yet) but I'm pretty sure he has an ear infection. He just got over a pretty nasty cold about a week ago, and just about when his cold cleared up is when he started getting moody - clingy, crying all the time, waking up in the night crying, lost his appetite. And then a few days ago I noticed some nasty ear goo coming out of his right ear. He's always had a normal amount (and color) of ear wax, so it being a crusty brown color and gooping up like it was, and combined with the end of a cold (during which he produced a lot of really gross boogers) and the other symptoms, I decided it is probably an ear infection.

I will take him to the pediatrician as soon as I can get an appointment, but the lastest research from the AAP (American Academy of Pediatrics) says not to do anything for (most) ear infections except give pain-relievers. No more super-bug breeding antibiotics (except in the case of a REALLY bad, REALLY dangerous ear infection) for every single ear infection. If this is indeed an ear infection, it's pretty much your run-of-the-mill ear infection, and the AAP says those are best left to the body to take care of (with the help of pain-relievers so your baby isn't miserable while his little body takes care of it).

So wish me luck to dealing with Vincente's first (definitely not his last, I'm sure) ear infection.

Pumpkin Picking!

On Monday night for FHE, Vincente and I went pumpkin picking. We'll probably do the carving tonight - so check back for more pictures! And then it's trick-or-treating time! We have a party Thursday night at BYU, then Salem is doing "safe trick-or-treating" at the ballpark, and then we're going to go to our ward trunk-or-treat, and then we're going to go to the Coyne's halloween potluck, and probably go trick-or-treating again with Guy and Bella and the other kids.

So, for the pumpkin picking.

The only thing about pumpkin picking with Vincente (and probably any toddler) is that he loves dirt. Loves it. There is nothing he would rather do than pick up dirt and throw it around (except maybe kick up dirt with his feet... both of which he spent his time doing at the pumpkin patch).

Christy managed to get a picture of him trying to get the dirt from around a pumpkin, so it KIND of looked like he was interested in the pumpkin. But don't let the photography fool you. Vince didn't care at all about the pumpkins.

So once we found our perfect pumpkins, Vincente went over to enjoy the kiddie maze while I paid for our prizes. He was pretty good at it. He knew exactly what to do - just keep walking the directions you can go until you find your way out. When you find your way out, you turn around and go back for more! He really really loved it. My kid is getting so fun. The older they get, the more entertaining they are, that's for sure. Although I am still really excited for a little sweet baby that just sits in your lap and cuddles. Vincente isn't as interested in cuddling as he used to be.

So there is our pumpkin picking adventure! Check back for more info about our Halloween festivities. It's way fun that Vincente can actually enjoy it this year!

a quickie

I have a few things to post (and some pictures from our pumpkin picking adventure tonight!) but it'll have to wait until tomorrow when I haven't stayed up so long past my bedtime...

I am getting SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO excited to move.

I can't wait.

I'm so ready.

I want my own house.

I want my own TV.

I want my own living room.

I want my own kitchen.

I want my own dinner menu.

I want my own backyard (with a LAWN).

Okay... now I just want to sleep.

energizer

I mean the bunny... you know, the one that keeps going, and going, and going, and...

You get the idea. That's how life feels right now. School... well, mostly school. It's like it never ends. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, and I can't wait for it.

It's like just when you think things are dying down, they pick up again. It's going to be like that until finals... *sigh*

And then, after finals!? Christmas break with my hubby!!! SOOOO excited. Check out my countdowner thingee

<---- over there somewheres. It'll tell you exactly how long until we get to see him again!

Okay, so yes, I am ready to go to bed now. Just had to record somewhere how long I feel like school is taking.

Oh, but yesterday and this morning I kept thinking about the little house I hope to rent near Russ at AIT. I kept thinking about playing in the backyard with Vincente and planting irises and tulips in the front flower bed and decorating the house. I can't wait to live in my own house again. It's going to be awesome.

facelift

As you can see, I've given my blog a little facelift. Mostly I did it because I didn't want to work on my formal proposal for English or my midterm for math (that's what I've been doing all day).

Now I don't have any more good reasons to stay up, so I should go to bed. I really miss Russ... a lot. I put a countdown thing on here too :) Mostly for my own benefit. Just over two weeks... I think I can make it. 

I have to make it.

*sigh*

fun stuff

After going through a little slump where I felt like a crappy mom and I was beating myself up for not spending more time with Vincente doing things HE likes to do, I made a commitment to do better. So here's what we've been up to!

Yesterday we went to the park. Vincente loves swings. He really enjoyed this park. They had two huge tractor tires that you could climb on, around, etc. Those were fascinating as well. I've been meaning to take Vincente to the park more often, and yesterday was such a nice day.

Today, after working on a Math take-home midterm, and after Vincente's nap, we went ice skating! Vincente has been a few times before, but he outgrew his old ice skates this summer, and I haven't had time to take him, so I didn't think about buying him new skates. But then we had some extra money, and I had made this commitment to do fun things with him, so I bought him the new skates. They were supposed to come next week, but they arrived yesterday morning, so off went went to The Peaks ice arena in Provo. The skates we bought for Vincente are from Baby Skates They are the only manufacturer of ice skates in sizes smaller than 6. CCM makes a children's hockey skate in size 6, so when Vincente outgrows these size 5 skates from BabySkates, we plan on buying him the CCM skates. The BabySkates are double-blade, but like I said, no one else makes skates for toddler sizes (not full-boot skates... they make the crappy adjustable, wrap around the shoe skates). When Vincente outgrows these skates, he'll graduate to the CCM Tyke size 6. Those are single blade hockey skates. Then he'll learn how to do hockey stops, cross over turns, the works! Until then, we're just working on getting him comfortable on the ice. Today was great - especially once he discovered how much fun it was to play with the cones. He like skating from one cone to another, and then having me push him around while he held onto one of the cones. If it hadn't been just me and Vince at the rink I would have more pictures, but it's kind of hard to take pictures AND hold up a toddler on ice skates! (especially when you're 4 1/2 months pregnant, and bending down isn't very comfortable)

my sweet husband

I got a letter today from Russ. It was the best letter I've had from him in a while! He is so amazing. I love his testimony and his faith and strength. I think he has made some permenant changes in his thoughts and faith that have really made some wonderful changes. He sounds like the Russ I fell in love with. I can't wait to be with him again. His letter was really bouying and encouraging. It was exactly what I needed, exactly when I needed it.

Feeling Full

As I'm writing this post, Vincente is in his bed singing Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star, among other things.

So two things happened today that made me feel like I am being a good mother.

For a little background, I have been feeling really crappy lately about my parenting abilities - I think it is compounded with the fact that I feel like I have to do it all by myself. It's great having grandparents help, but it's not the same - especially when there really IS another partner in the marriage who is WILLING to help, and WANTING to help, but just away serving his country. Anyway. I have really been feeling lately like I am a crappy mother.

Here was the proof that I am actually doing an okay job.

1.) This morning while I was brushing my teeth before we left for school, Vince was in the bathroom with me, hanging on my legs like he usually does. As I was putting my toothbrush up, he pulled on me and said "Mom. A kiss? A kiss?" I bent down, and he puckered up and landed a nice fat one on my lips! It was the best feeling ever. Usually I have to coax kisses out of him, and most of the time I fail miserably. So the fact that HE asked ME for a kiss was priceless! Melted my heart... it was pretty much mush for the next few hours.

2.) Tonight after I put Vincente to bed and turned out his light, he got out of bed and stood by my door, calling "I want you, Mom!" (yes... he calls me mom... I think it's because we live in a house where all the kids are older, so they call my MIL mom. Heh. ) Anyway, when I put Vincente to bed and come in my room, I usually keep my door cracked while I get ready for bed (in case he wants to come in) and then when I turn off my lamp and go to sleep, I open the door all the way, so he doesn't get scared being alone in his room. Well, lately, even when the door is just cracked, he still won't open it. He stands at the door and calls for me (like he did tonight) or he stands at the door and knocks. That's probably the cutest. When he knocks on my bedroom door. What an adorable child. So tonight he called for me, and I went in and told him to get back in bed. Earlier just before I had turned out the lamp, when he was sitting in bed, he pointed at his bookshelf and asked for "Books" but I told him it was bedtime and that he couldn't read because I was turning the lights out. Apparently he was not satisfied, and that's why he came to my door. As soon as I came in his room, he went right for the books on his dresser where we had left them after reading bedtime stories. So I said, "Okay, you can read in your bed, but you have to stay in your bed." I gave him about four books, left his lamp on, and came in my room. He sat there in his bed for probably close to 30 minutes "reading." Of course, my 18 month old child doesn't read fluently. In fact, really he only recognizes letters, and the word "Up." But the fact that he wanted to stay up reading made me feel like a great mom. Not that I really had a lot to do with his love of books, but I must have done something right - maybe exposing him to books, letting him read them how he wanted to, reading to him when he asks. Something had to encouraged him. I just hope I can keep encouraging him to read. He loves books so much.

So, yeah, I am encouraged in my parenting skills. At least I'm not a crappy mom whose kid only wants to watch TV ever - he's got interests and hobbies already! :)  And at least my kid loves me a little bit. Today all he wanted to do was cuddle with me all day. Made me feel great. He has never liked to cuddle, ever since he was a baby. Today he wanted to sit on my lap and snuggle me. During my class, at dinner, the whole day. Man, my heart is full of Vincente love. This is definitely the part of being a mom that makes it worth it.

check, check, check

Today was great! I got everything done on my to do list, plus some! And I got to spend time with Vincente all day. Man, things can't get better than that.

And the countdown to seeing Russ again? 26 days until his BCT graduation!!! 26 days!!

weddings and family

Vincente and I went to Russ' biological father's brother's wedding yesterday. Yes, I know that sounds confusing, but if you read it a couple of times, you'll figure it out. From now on, we will call him Russ' uncle. 

Anyway, I went because Russ and I got to know his uncle pretty well since we've been married, and Russ likes him a lot. The other reason I went was because I knew Russ' biological father would be there, and I wanted to meet him. Russ hasn't had any contact with his biological father since his mission. That's because when Jeff (Russ' biological father) wrote Russ, he signed the letter "Dad." This was kind of weird to Russ because it was the first he had heard from Jeff since Jeff and Russ' mom got divorced over 23 years ago. So, Russ wrote back and basically said "Don't call yourself Dad to me." Which probably hurt Jeff's feelings a little. From what I hear about him (and now have kind of witnessed first hand) he's a lot like Russ in the sensitive emotions department. 

So apparently (according to Russ' grandma) Jeff was really nervous to meet us. I (maybe a little callously) didn't care, and decided since he was Russ' father, I had a right to meet him, awkward as it might be to him. I've told Russ since we were married and started having kids that we should get in contact with Jeff and offer him a place in our lives - I think he wanted to be involved in Russ' life, and due to circumstances, he wasn't really able to have any role at all. I think it would probably mean something to Jeff if he could be involved again. So, I met him. It was a little awkward, I had to stand around waiting for other people talking to him to move along. And I didn't really know how to introduce myself to him. People had already come up to me and said "Oh, you're Jeff's daughter-in-law." But I didn't really think I should walk up to him and say, "Hey, I'm you're daughter-in-law." So I introduced myself as Russ' wife. He looked a little surprise, and nervous, but Vincente put him at ease, I think, and we exchanged a little small-talk before we got swept in different directions in the crowd. As we were leaving, I passed by him again to give him Russ' mailing address. He actually saw me and asked if I was leaving, and then I gave him the address and he remarked about Russ still being at Basic, and I told him he would be there for a few more weeks. Anyway, I think overall it went well.

And hopefully I can keep helping to smooth out whatever hurt or awkwardness there is between Russ and Jeff. Maybe they can be friends. If they can't, I'll be Jeff's friend! He seems really nice. We'll see how things go.

i have work enough to do

And the sun is already gone down.

Luckily, Vincente is enthralled with the movie Cars, and so I can just hit play, and have freedom to work on homework for 2 hours. YES! The glory of the TV babysitter. I always told myself that I would never do this. But I also told myself I would never be a single mother... HA and here I am, a single mother (not literally, but figuratively). And trying to take care of a kid and go to school at the same time is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. I think I've said that before. I doubt this will be the last time I say it.

Off to take advantage of the 2 hours of freedom.

My First Policital Feelings

I have been feeling kind of removed from the election this year... mostly because I didn't really care for either candidate. But I've been thinking about things, and I finally realize what matters the most to me in a candidate this year.

Who will defend the family?

And I believe that McCain will. To me, defense of the family is what will repair all the damage that has been done - in every aspect of our American lives.

I believe that women should NOT be compelled to fight in the armed forces. Mothers should be home, raising good citzens who will fight for their country. If the draft required women to register as well as men, then mothers will be sent to war. I don't know if Obama realized this when he said that he would require women to register with selective service. Many women between 18 and 25 are young mothers. Not only would you be sending MOTHERS to fight, but you would be sending mothers who have young children. As a mother and wife of an Army soldier, I understand how difficult it is for a young child to be separated from their father. Separating an 18 month old child from his mother would be exponentially increasing his emotional distress. And right now it's just for a short time for training... imagine a 24 month tour in Iraq?! A baby can't handle not having mommy for 2 years! John McCain wants to keep mothers where they belong... in the home, raising their children, not out on a battle field.

I believe that marriage is between a man and a woman. Marriage is the covenant that starts a family. Families are a mother, a father, and their children. Sometimes one of these may be missing - maybe a husband and wife aren't able to have children, maybe something happens to the father or the mother. But it just makes sense that children have a right to A mother and A father. Why? What does it take to create a child? A mother... and a father. There is no getting around that, no matter what. The beginning of life happens because of a man and because of a woman. And the most secure way to allow a child to have those two significant beings around forever is by starting out with a marriage. Marriages just breed stronger families. There's a better sense of connection. I'm not saying marriage makes things perfect, but a family is better off when marriage is part of the equation. And a child is better off when they have access to the love of a father and a mother. I believe that John McCain will actually DEFEND that belief. I think that Obama probably believes that a child should have a mother and a father, but it doesn't mean enough to him for him to defend it. 

In short, I've heard Obama say that he believes in family values - but will he defend them? I don't think he will. I think he is too concerned with giving everyone "rights" and "freedoms" and not concerned enough with defending the truths that he believes in. Every child has a right to have a mother and a father. Children who are adopted or born into same-sex marriages don't have that freedom. Why are we discriminating against children that way? They don't have a choice. But they have the right. I want to defend that freedom for them.

I believe McCain will defend the family. 

Vote how you will, but I will vote for the family. I will vote for the truths that are the core of my very person. I will vote for someone who will defend the family.

BYU Homecoming 2008

We started the day standing in line at 8:45 am in the light snow flurry and freezing weather for blue pancakes before the parade. Being the experienced mother that I am (you only need a few months experience with a toddler to figure this one out) I picked the pancake station by the Botany Pond at BYU. We were lucky yesterday to be the witness of 30+ ducks in the pond. They were probably enjoying the water, which was almost certainly warmer than the air, since it had been warm for a few days before the nasty cold hit. I wish I had gotten a picture for the blog. It was crazy - there were so many of them. But at least you can see what the duck bond is in this picture, if you've never been there before.

We got blue pancakes - I had classic butter and syrup on mine. Vince got whipped cream and chocolate chips. I topped his first, then set his plate on the table while I topped mine. He knew where the good stuff was at and reached his chubby little hand up to grab a chocolate chip. The only problem was that it was so cold, so he was bundled in his big parka, and he wanted his snuggles (his fuzzy blankets - yes... both of them) wrapped around his neck like a scarf. So the distance around the blanket and coat was greater than the length of his little arm. Try as he might, there was no getting the chocolate chip into his mouth. 

It was hilarious. Of course, being the merciful mother that I am, I helped him out, and he got to savor the delicius chocolate bit. Then we enjoyed our pancakes in the freezing cold by the duck pond. I was surprised Vince actually ate the pancakes and not just the chocolate chips.

After the pancake breakfast I let Vince chase the ducks until the parade started. The parade was a lot of fun. Vincente was mostly into it because I told him people would throw candy to him. "Canny? Canny?" He asked every time a float went by. He also got a balloon from the BYU Folk Dance people "Ba-oon! Boon!" After a while, though, the early morning and excitement from the parade (not to mention being bundled up really well) got the better of him, and he was passed out til lunch.

We ate lunch with my best friend Jessica and her friend Sam, and his family. Then we spent the time between lunch and the game at Sam's relative's house. I tried to get Vincente to nap, but his little 30 minute power nap after the parade gave him too much energy. 

The game was great, until the third quarter when Vincente decided he was ready to give the nap thing a second try - except for the fact that the stadium was too loud. He very loudly requested that we go home. So we did, and about an hour later he was passed out on the couch, and I waited for Jess and Sam and some of their other friends to come over and keep me company before bedtime. Then Jessica and her sister Lindsey spent the night. 

All in all, it was a great day. Full of good friends, good food, and good times. It's the first time I've ever really participated in the whole of homecoming, and I have to admit it was really fun. It's something I may like to do in the future when I have more kids, and we're living far away - make a trip up to Utah to visit BYU during homecoming, and take in all the good times. 

I love the memories made, and I sure wish Russ had been here with us - that would have made the fun all that much better.

a brief pause

I didn't realize how long it had been since I'd posted - I know four or five days isn't really THAT long, but for me (seeing how I've been posting nearly every day for the past few months) it is getting to be too long.

From my last post, you could probably see that I was very behind in school. Thanks to very understanding professors and some good friends, I was able to spend a lot of last week catching up. While it took its toll on me (I am sooo exhausted, it's not even funny), I am glad to be less behind, and have more or less of a plan to get caught up. I should be entirely caught up by Friday (including an exam that my professor is going to let me take at home on my own time, even though it was not originally a take home test). 

So that was most of the little pause in my posting - trying to catch up with school. And in general getting back on top of things. It takes exponentially longer when you have kids and no husband. Once you get behind it's almost like you're going to be behind for the rest of your life. Ick. 

And yesterday was Homecoming. A fabulously fun time. I'll make and entire post about that. Remember, if you want to see more pictures of our life (I don't usually post very many on here) look at our online gallery http://werner.mine.nu/gallery/becca

Oh yes - and today was filled with talking to Russ - for like almost 3 hours! It was the most emotionally rejuvenating thing that has happened since he left. It's like I'm supercharged now. We just got to chat and chat and chat - you know, like you do with your best friend - just talk. That's what best friends are for, and I have certainly missed chatting with Russ. One thing about it that I have missed the most is pointing out silly things that Vince does and having Russ laugh. We get a kick out of our kid - and not everyone gets as big of a kick out of your kids as you do yourself, so I've missed that. Today I described something silly Vince was doing in the moment, and Russ' laugh was priceless. I miss his laugh. I miss his arms. I miss his voice. I miss everything about him. I want him back. A month is a long time more to wait, but in a month from tomorrow I WILL SEE HIM AGAIN! I can't wait. At all. I'm going crazy.

catching...

I am desperately behind in Physics and Math. Although I calculated today that if I get a C in math and a D in Physics, I will still get above a 2.5! That's assuming A- and A's in all my other classes (which I'm pretty much right on track for). 

But I still need to catch up. Good thing I have good friends who have offered to help me out. I'm hoping I can really be finished with catch up after this week. We'll see.

good days

Today was a great day. I took Vince with me to school, and he got to play with me during classes and between classes and we had a picnic lunch and then took a nap together in a hallway in the ESC, and then played at Jessica's house for a while. It was super fun. I love being able to spend more time with him. Tuesdays are especially good for that at school because I only have two classes, and neither are really "serious" classes (I mean, they aren't full of a bunch of people who are ornery about distractions ;) ) And then I have two hours of nothing in between! So I usually miss Vince a lot during those two hours. But for the last two weeks, I've been able to take him with me on Tuesdays, and I think I will start doing that permenantly. I love him too much, and we have not been able to spend a lot of quality time together for the past few weeks, since I've had to do a lot of school work. I'm almost caught up. I'm mostly caught up as far as the work goes, but still behind a little bit as far as the concepts go. Physics will be the hardest to catch up in. I still haven't taken the last test, because I haven't been able to complete any of the homework, and I don't know when to get help. I should probably email my professor about that. I'm sure he'll be able to help. I just want to move on, but you can't really move on without understanding the stuff you missed, you know? So I'm trying to stay caught up the best I can, but it's hard with the little gaps.

I got a letter from Russ today. It was a nice surprise, becuase I talked to him on Sunday and he hadn't said he had sent a letter. It had a funny story about Russ immitating a Drill Sergeant (for a good cause - he was trying to get some privates to straighten up) and being asked about it by his Drill Sergeant, but not really reprimanded or anything. When I've got the letter down here by the computer I'll post the story. It was great.

I've been a little worried about not being able to feel this baby move, but on Sunday I felt my uterus tightening in different spots, so I'm assuming that was baby moving. I felt Vincente around 15 weeks, and I haven't felt anything and I'm already almost 18 weeks. I think it is a combination of having more body fat than when I was pregnant with Vince (not that I'm fatter now, I was just 19 when I was pregnant with Vince - my body hadn't finished become "womanly"), and being so busy and stressed that I just don't think I'd notice any movement even if it was happening. Life was much quieter back then. I had more time to sit and be still, which is probably conducive to feeling baby movements a little earlier. I have an appointment with my midwives on Thursday, so I'll hear the heartbeat and everything. She'll probably give me a few other reasons I may not be feeling the movement yet, but she'll assure me that everything is just fine.

And everything is just fine :)

my favorite moment of the week

The phone call!!

Although our talk was brief today, it was one of the most heartfelt we have had. A real heart-to-heart. I miss Russ so much. So much that I wrote him a letter tonight, more about what we talked about on the phone. With him gone, I think about him a LOT. Which means I think about the good times, the bad times, the hard times, the happy times, and so on. In particular, I keep thinking about all the times he has tried to teach me about humility. Those were really painful times for me - my pride was deeply hurt, and usually I just retaliated against Russ. Completely not fair for him. I think I am starting to understand what humility really means, and so I think about these moments more and more - times when my pride was hurt, and I blamed it on Russ being insensitive or selfish, when in reality, it was just me being prideful! The talks during Conference have kind of brought this to my attention as well. 

Anyway, so our talk today was nice. Waiting for Sunday is the worst part about the week, now. And the hours Sunday afternoon drag by as I wait and wait for the phone to ring. I miss him so much. More than I can even express. I'm counting down the days until we get to be with him again.

mothering

As Vincente gets older and understands more things and is developing his personality more, I worry about making sure he learns good things. It breaks my heart when he throws tantrums and gets mad and flops around like a crazy person. I almost feel like I am some cause of these negative emotions.

Then I have to remind myself that he's a human being, and it's GOOD for him to experience all kinds of emotions, even negative ones. I just hope I can help him learn how to deal with the negative emotions, and minimize them. It's hard for a one year old to understand that he can make a choice to be happier, and he doesn't have to get mad over little things. That's probably my biggest goal right now - helping him understand that. It's hard to know how to do it. I'm trying to set a good example by not getting mad at things, and trying to be happy and peaceful. I'm trying to make sure we say family prayer, so we can have the spirit in our home. I'm trying to make sure we read the scriptures every day so we can learn about the gospel principles that will keep us happy. I just hope all that rubs off on him, that he figures it out.

Part of it might be that Russ is gone. That can screw up anyone's emotions (let me tell you!).

The challenges we face by being mothers are some of the most difficult, but at the same time the results are more rewarding than anything.

I suggest reading a book by Dr. Wallace Goddard (my old institute teacher) - The Soft-Spoken Parent. He says a lot of good things in this book that have really helped me as I try to be a better parent for Vincente. The most satisfying thing about Bro. Goddard's writing is that he always bases parenting on the gospel. He has an amazing way of making you think about your testimony of Jesus Christ as the way to parent. He wrote a very good article about parenting in another book, but I can't find a link to the book. I think it is called "Likening the Scriptures" or something. He edited it and has a few articles in there. My copy is packed away in my storage unit somewhere, so I don't even know the title of the article. Anyway, he has written a lot on marriage and parenting (he is an expert at both! I know his family... I know!). Anyway, I found a list of articles he wrote for Meridian Magazine. They are probably very similar to everything else he has written. I just really feel the spirit when I read the things he has written about marriage and parenting. I think there is a lot of truth in his suggestions. Sometimes you read stuff about parenting and you're like "Well... that might work in some circumstances, or for one child." Or you may say "That doesn't sound very Christlike." Or you might be confused altogether. But Bro. Goddard's suggestions and writing make me feel like "That's how Christ would do it if HE was parenting my kid!" I think the big thing about Bro. Goddard is that he doesn't really give you a bunch of different techniques for discipline, etc. He teaches you how to REALLY love your child and how to REALLY understand that they ARE a child of God. Not that any of us don't love our children, or don't think they are children of God - but some of us forget exactly what that means. Anyway, Bro. Goddard really puts some things in perspective. I feel like I am a better parent because of his teachings. All of them are in line with the gospel of Jesus Christ, so I don't feel that I can go wrong. And when I come across a certain parenting technique (for potty-training, discipline, etc) I like to weigh it against what Bro. Goddard has said, and then I know better whether it is a just and holy parenting principle, or just the world's way of "fixing" a problem.

So I got a little carried away there about Bro. Goddard - you can probably tell how much I REALLY like him :) I sure miss his institute class, that's for sure.

May Heavenly Father bless you in your righteous endeavors as parents!

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This blog is now a private blog. Hooray! I can post whatever I want! ;) Don't worry, I think we've been pretty G rated, and we're planning on staying that way.

Happy reading!

living waters

I am very excited for General Conference this weekend. It's something I always look forward to, but at this particularily complicated time in my life, I am needing it more than ever. I love hearing what the prophets and other leaders have to say to us. Their testimonies are bolstering and their words are always encouraging and uplifting (even when they are reprimanding us!).

I always like to have some questions in mind that can be answered. The answers don't always come word for word from the speakers' mouths, but the spirit always answers them for me in some way. There have been some conferences where I come away 100% sure that a certain speaker said a certain thing, but when I look through the Ensign the next month, I can't for the life of me find the "quote" I thought I heard. Interesting, eh? Anyway, I do look forward to feeling the spirit of conference, and now that Vincente is getting bigger, it will be easier to listen (even if he doesn't listen, at least I can now that he's better at amusing himself). 

I'll miss visiting Aunt Lavina, but I don't have Russ, and Jessica is busy spending conference Saturday with a certain somebody. On top of that, Aunt Lavina just got back from a trip to North Carolina, so she's probably exhausted.

Anyway, it's time to put a cranky toddler to bed. Of course. "Eee cup?" (That's how he asks for his sippy cup)

closer

I am getting there - almost caught up in my classes. Definitely making progress. Feeling better all around. Life is much better with this car accident thing far far behind me.

Missing Russ. Making plans to drive to visit Russ for Thanksgiving - cheaper than flying anyone anywhere. Plus, I'll probably be able to get some BYU student(s) to hitch a ride.