Beyond Time Out

I’ve posted about this book before, but I wanted to post again because I found some more things in this book that I absolutely LOVE.

First of all, the reason I like this book above most other parenting books is that it is so consistent. It doesn’t give you 10 different ways to deal with 10 different types of situations. And it doesn’t require a lot of creativity (which is essential, in my opinion – some parents may be naturally creative when it comes to raising healthy, independent children, but more often than not, we sometimes find it hard to respond immediately AND creatively all at the same time). This book teaches you how to respond immediately and effectively.

Okay, so a few little gems from this book.

The author has a specific chapter about sleep. In this chapter she talks about the phrase “go to sleep” and how that is a very ridiculous thing for us to tell our kids. No one can “go to sleep” – your body falls asleep when it is in the right state. You don’t “force” yourself to go to sleep, so why would you tell you kids to do that? Sometime you fall asleep as soon as you hit the pillow, other times you lay in bed for ten or fifteen minutes before you finally fall asleep. The author suggests using the phrase “let sleep come to you” instead of “go to sleep.” If you think about it, there’s not really a “mean” way to say “let sleep come to you” – you can’t yell that and sound at all serious. It’s a phrase that lends itself to sweetness and loving interactions. Anyway, I’ve been using that with Vince now, and it makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside just SAYING it!

This next part really hit me. Hard. I’m just going to quote her straight up, because I don’t think it’s ever been said as well…

“Mothers have gotten so caught up in the performance mode of mothering, taken on too any obligations, gotten compulsive about the house and the kids and the dog and the yard and the school volunteering, that they can’t ever be in the moment. They have to get things done, they have places to be, calls to make, obligations to fulfill - and their children have become part of the have-to list.Truth be told, more often than not, the kids are treated as if they are interfering in getting the rest of the list done efficiently. ‘You have to let Mommy finish this – can’t you see I’m busy? I have a million things to do, and you are driving me crazy. Go and find something to do.’ Kids are sensitive. They get it. Life would be easier for mom without them.

“Moms, of course, have a hard time hearing this. But I offer it as a much-needed wake-up call. This is no way to live… I instruct…moms to take all of the have-to’s out of their lexicon. It’s time to concentrate on putting some fun back into the routine, to be sure you are connecting with your child for at least twnty minutes a day in what I call a shared joy, where both of you are in the moment, together and feeling good… Spontaneity is an important ingredient. Get rid of the clock and simply enjoy the time you spend with each other. This will quickly help your child to settle down.”

She says doing the above will help your child become “securely attached” instead of “insecurely attached” (if you’re unfamiliar with those two terms, take a class on Child Development, or just Google them).

I love this because I have fallen into that trap with Vincente – telling him to go find something to do away from me so that I can fold the laundry, do the dishes, pay the bills, have a few minutes of time to myself to read or whatever. I forgot about how involved I used to be. I used to let Vincente do the laundry with me when he wasn’t even ONE yet! (basically that meant that he would pull himself to standing on the side of the basket and throw all the laundry out onto the floor) But now that he’s almost 2 1/2 and is actually able to help with some of the household chores, I’m shooing him away.

This advice was very timely for me.

I hope I never fall into that again. I love my kids and I want them to know that they are more important to me than paying the bills or cleaning the house! And that being with them makes me MUCH happier than either of those things!