For those of you who don't know Vincente (and many of you who do), Vincente is a very tantrum-prone child. At first, I wast thinking that it was a behavior issue. He was misbehaving. But after reading a bunch of online articles and library books about tantrums, I decided that Vincente was not being "manipulative" in his tantrum-throwing. All the books talked about ignoring the tantrum and they will stop. It just didn't happen that way with Vincente, and the whole time I felt really bad, because I knew there was a legitimate reason for him being frustrated, and that he was throwing the tantrum out of frustration - not because he knew that kicking and screaming would get him what he wanted.
Vincente gets frustrated (to tantrum-throwing levels) about two things, in general - the first is with toys that don't do what he wants them to do, or when they "break" and he doesn't know how to put them back together. The second is when he is trying to ask me for something and I have a hard time understanding him. Face it, even when it's your own kid, you can't always understand their toddler-speak. For instance, yesterday afternoon he asked for juice in the "green cup." Vincente happens to have four green cups in the cupboard - three green sippy cups, and one green kid size cup. So, when I picked up the wrong "green cup" from the cupboard, he almost had a meltdown. Quickly, I tried to point to each "green cup" to figure out which one he wanted before his distress turned into a full-blown tantrum.
I'm getting better at being quick to figure out what he's asking for. There is no way that I would want to punish him if he threw a tantrum because I didn't know which green up he asked for when he had been SO verbal - saying "Juice," when he wanted me to get some juice, and then when I got to the cupboard even voicing his preference of sippy cup. Holy cow! That's some amazing communication for a two-year-old. So what if he can't communicate EXACTLY which "green cup" he wants!
So I've been trying to find ways to help him deal with his frustration. The hardest part about figuring this out is that most of the advice out there for helping children deal with their emotions is for older children. I was looking for something to help my two-year-old.
First, I read Beyond Time Out which I have decided is one of the best books on how to maintain respect with your kids by having consistency in rules and consequences. But even though it worked with things like getting Vincente to have his diaper changed, getting him to pick up his toys, etc, it didn't work when he would have a "frustration" tantrum. All it would do was hurt his little feelers even more, and eventually he would get so worked up that I would have to go hold on to him to get him to calm down.
I have mentioned before Bro. Goddard's parenting books. Many LDS family and marriage professors quote John Gottman. Well, I thought I would see what all the fuss was about and pick up a copy of Gottman's Raising Emotionally Intelligent Children. This book is great, and is going on my list of must-read parenting books (trust me, over the last few months I have read more parenting books than any parent ever should!). Well, like I said, also a very good book, but also did not address the problem of dealing with frustration in toddlers. It does in a very general way, but mostly in regards to playing with other children - not solitary play, which is where Vincente has the most problems (in my mind).
So I finally went back to the web, thinking maybe I would try a different approach. I searched for articles about "toddler frustration" - bingo! I hit a few very good articles -
1.) Temper Tantrums - by Dr. Sears
2.) Your Toddler's Frustration with Toys and Other Children - on babycenter.com
3.) Coping With Toddler Frustration - on Parents.com
This is my basic conclusion, which comes from a congolmeration of ideas from these websites, Gottman's books, and my own understanding of my two-year-old and his needs:
- His "frustration" tantrums are nothing negative (right now), and should not be "disciplined."
- I need to respond gently to his frustration, helping him work out the problem, and helping him learn to use words. For example, getting down on his level and saying, "You sure are frustrated/angry/mad with your toy. Can I help you?" and proceed to show him how to do whatever it is that he is unable to do.
- Make sure that I am around and available to help when he is playing with toys that easily frustrate him - in his case, his magnetic train, and his "hook-together" train... unfortunately, two of his very favorite toys.
Sometimes it's hard for me to remember that Vincente is very much still a baby (well, toddler). I am reminded of that when I see other kids his same age who are much less developed (physically and in speech).
I have to remember that emotionally, he's still just a two-year-old. And while that doesn't mean I can't teach him how to deal with his frustration, I can still expect these frustration tantrum to eventually go away as he does learn how to deal with frustration and grows up a little, emotionally.
Max's tantrums pretty much stopped when he'd been in speech long enough for us to be able to understand what he was saying. Those tantrums were frustrating for all of all the way around. Sally's come from not getting what she wants. Joey too. He whines though.
ReplyDeleteCongratulations on figuring this out Sis! KayLYnn and Karyn never had this problem really until we put them in daycare and they were around other kids. Since they have been out and wayne has had them we started to realise that KayLynn was just frustrated because she couldn't get it across to us what she needed or wanted. She has become so much better, as have we at understanding. A lot of the time we will just guide her to show us what she needs or wants. Children are very smart and most of the time we have to learn to change our thinking so that we can better communicate with them. Have fun learning!
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