Feeling Full

As I'm writing this post, Vincente is in his bed singing Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star, among other things.

So two things happened today that made me feel like I am being a good mother.

For a little background, I have been feeling really crappy lately about my parenting abilities - I think it is compounded with the fact that I feel like I have to do it all by myself. It's great having grandparents help, but it's not the same - especially when there really IS another partner in the marriage who is WILLING to help, and WANTING to help, but just away serving his country. Anyway. I have really been feeling lately like I am a crappy mother.

Here was the proof that I am actually doing an okay job.

1.) This morning while I was brushing my teeth before we left for school, Vince was in the bathroom with me, hanging on my legs like he usually does. As I was putting my toothbrush up, he pulled on me and said "Mom. A kiss? A kiss?" I bent down, and he puckered up and landed a nice fat one on my lips! It was the best feeling ever. Usually I have to coax kisses out of him, and most of the time I fail miserably. So the fact that HE asked ME for a kiss was priceless! Melted my heart... it was pretty much mush for the next few hours.

2.) Tonight after I put Vincente to bed and turned out his light, he got out of bed and stood by my door, calling "I want you, Mom!" (yes... he calls me mom... I think it's because we live in a house where all the kids are older, so they call my MIL mom. Heh. ) Anyway, when I put Vincente to bed and come in my room, I usually keep my door cracked while I get ready for bed (in case he wants to come in) and then when I turn off my lamp and go to sleep, I open the door all the way, so he doesn't get scared being alone in his room. Well, lately, even when the door is just cracked, he still won't open it. He stands at the door and calls for me (like he did tonight) or he stands at the door and knocks. That's probably the cutest. When he knocks on my bedroom door. What an adorable child. So tonight he called for me, and I went in and told him to get back in bed. Earlier just before I had turned out the lamp, when he was sitting in bed, he pointed at his bookshelf and asked for "Books" but I told him it was bedtime and that he couldn't read because I was turning the lights out. Apparently he was not satisfied, and that's why he came to my door. As soon as I came in his room, he went right for the books on his dresser where we had left them after reading bedtime stories. So I said, "Okay, you can read in your bed, but you have to stay in your bed." I gave him about four books, left his lamp on, and came in my room. He sat there in his bed for probably close to 30 minutes "reading." Of course, my 18 month old child doesn't read fluently. In fact, really he only recognizes letters, and the word "Up." But the fact that he wanted to stay up reading made me feel like a great mom. Not that I really had a lot to do with his love of books, but I must have done something right - maybe exposing him to books, letting him read them how he wanted to, reading to him when he asks. Something had to encouraged him. I just hope I can keep encouraging him to read. He loves books so much.

So, yeah, I am encouraged in my parenting skills. At least I'm not a crappy mom whose kid only wants to watch TV ever - he's got interests and hobbies already! :)  And at least my kid loves me a little bit. Today all he wanted to do was cuddle with me all day. Made me feel great. He has never liked to cuddle, ever since he was a baby. Today he wanted to sit on my lap and snuggle me. During my class, at dinner, the whole day. Man, my heart is full of Vincente love. This is definitely the part of being a mom that makes it worth it.

check, check, check

Today was great! I got everything done on my to do list, plus some! And I got to spend time with Vincente all day. Man, things can't get better than that.

And the countdown to seeing Russ again? 26 days until his BCT graduation!!! 26 days!!

weddings and family

Vincente and I went to Russ' biological father's brother's wedding yesterday. Yes, I know that sounds confusing, but if you read it a couple of times, you'll figure it out. From now on, we will call him Russ' uncle. 

Anyway, I went because Russ and I got to know his uncle pretty well since we've been married, and Russ likes him a lot. The other reason I went was because I knew Russ' biological father would be there, and I wanted to meet him. Russ hasn't had any contact with his biological father since his mission. That's because when Jeff (Russ' biological father) wrote Russ, he signed the letter "Dad." This was kind of weird to Russ because it was the first he had heard from Jeff since Jeff and Russ' mom got divorced over 23 years ago. So, Russ wrote back and basically said "Don't call yourself Dad to me." Which probably hurt Jeff's feelings a little. From what I hear about him (and now have kind of witnessed first hand) he's a lot like Russ in the sensitive emotions department. 

So apparently (according to Russ' grandma) Jeff was really nervous to meet us. I (maybe a little callously) didn't care, and decided since he was Russ' father, I had a right to meet him, awkward as it might be to him. I've told Russ since we were married and started having kids that we should get in contact with Jeff and offer him a place in our lives - I think he wanted to be involved in Russ' life, and due to circumstances, he wasn't really able to have any role at all. I think it would probably mean something to Jeff if he could be involved again. So, I met him. It was a little awkward, I had to stand around waiting for other people talking to him to move along. And I didn't really know how to introduce myself to him. People had already come up to me and said "Oh, you're Jeff's daughter-in-law." But I didn't really think I should walk up to him and say, "Hey, I'm you're daughter-in-law." So I introduced myself as Russ' wife. He looked a little surprise, and nervous, but Vincente put him at ease, I think, and we exchanged a little small-talk before we got swept in different directions in the crowd. As we were leaving, I passed by him again to give him Russ' mailing address. He actually saw me and asked if I was leaving, and then I gave him the address and he remarked about Russ still being at Basic, and I told him he would be there for a few more weeks. Anyway, I think overall it went well.

And hopefully I can keep helping to smooth out whatever hurt or awkwardness there is between Russ and Jeff. Maybe they can be friends. If they can't, I'll be Jeff's friend! He seems really nice. We'll see how things go.

i have work enough to do

And the sun is already gone down.

Luckily, Vincente is enthralled with the movie Cars, and so I can just hit play, and have freedom to work on homework for 2 hours. YES! The glory of the TV babysitter. I always told myself that I would never do this. But I also told myself I would never be a single mother... HA and here I am, a single mother (not literally, but figuratively). And trying to take care of a kid and go to school at the same time is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. I think I've said that before. I doubt this will be the last time I say it.

Off to take advantage of the 2 hours of freedom.

My First Policital Feelings

I have been feeling kind of removed from the election this year... mostly because I didn't really care for either candidate. But I've been thinking about things, and I finally realize what matters the most to me in a candidate this year.

Who will defend the family?

And I believe that McCain will. To me, defense of the family is what will repair all the damage that has been done - in every aspect of our American lives.

I believe that women should NOT be compelled to fight in the armed forces. Mothers should be home, raising good citzens who will fight for their country. If the draft required women to register as well as men, then mothers will be sent to war. I don't know if Obama realized this when he said that he would require women to register with selective service. Many women between 18 and 25 are young mothers. Not only would you be sending MOTHERS to fight, but you would be sending mothers who have young children. As a mother and wife of an Army soldier, I understand how difficult it is for a young child to be separated from their father. Separating an 18 month old child from his mother would be exponentially increasing his emotional distress. And right now it's just for a short time for training... imagine a 24 month tour in Iraq?! A baby can't handle not having mommy for 2 years! John McCain wants to keep mothers where they belong... in the home, raising their children, not out on a battle field.

I believe that marriage is between a man and a woman. Marriage is the covenant that starts a family. Families are a mother, a father, and their children. Sometimes one of these may be missing - maybe a husband and wife aren't able to have children, maybe something happens to the father or the mother. But it just makes sense that children have a right to A mother and A father. Why? What does it take to create a child? A mother... and a father. There is no getting around that, no matter what. The beginning of life happens because of a man and because of a woman. And the most secure way to allow a child to have those two significant beings around forever is by starting out with a marriage. Marriages just breed stronger families. There's a better sense of connection. I'm not saying marriage makes things perfect, but a family is better off when marriage is part of the equation. And a child is better off when they have access to the love of a father and a mother. I believe that John McCain will actually DEFEND that belief. I think that Obama probably believes that a child should have a mother and a father, but it doesn't mean enough to him for him to defend it. 

In short, I've heard Obama say that he believes in family values - but will he defend them? I don't think he will. I think he is too concerned with giving everyone "rights" and "freedoms" and not concerned enough with defending the truths that he believes in. Every child has a right to have a mother and a father. Children who are adopted or born into same-sex marriages don't have that freedom. Why are we discriminating against children that way? They don't have a choice. But they have the right. I want to defend that freedom for them.

I believe McCain will defend the family. 

Vote how you will, but I will vote for the family. I will vote for the truths that are the core of my very person. I will vote for someone who will defend the family.

BYU Homecoming 2008

We started the day standing in line at 8:45 am in the light snow flurry and freezing weather for blue pancakes before the parade. Being the experienced mother that I am (you only need a few months experience with a toddler to figure this one out) I picked the pancake station by the Botany Pond at BYU. We were lucky yesterday to be the witness of 30+ ducks in the pond. They were probably enjoying the water, which was almost certainly warmer than the air, since it had been warm for a few days before the nasty cold hit. I wish I had gotten a picture for the blog. It was crazy - there were so many of them. But at least you can see what the duck bond is in this picture, if you've never been there before.

We got blue pancakes - I had classic butter and syrup on mine. Vince got whipped cream and chocolate chips. I topped his first, then set his plate on the table while I topped mine. He knew where the good stuff was at and reached his chubby little hand up to grab a chocolate chip. The only problem was that it was so cold, so he was bundled in his big parka, and he wanted his snuggles (his fuzzy blankets - yes... both of them) wrapped around his neck like a scarf. So the distance around the blanket and coat was greater than the length of his little arm. Try as he might, there was no getting the chocolate chip into his mouth. 

It was hilarious. Of course, being the merciful mother that I am, I helped him out, and he got to savor the delicius chocolate bit. Then we enjoyed our pancakes in the freezing cold by the duck pond. I was surprised Vince actually ate the pancakes and not just the chocolate chips.

After the pancake breakfast I let Vince chase the ducks until the parade started. The parade was a lot of fun. Vincente was mostly into it because I told him people would throw candy to him. "Canny? Canny?" He asked every time a float went by. He also got a balloon from the BYU Folk Dance people "Ba-oon! Boon!" After a while, though, the early morning and excitement from the parade (not to mention being bundled up really well) got the better of him, and he was passed out til lunch.

We ate lunch with my best friend Jessica and her friend Sam, and his family. Then we spent the time between lunch and the game at Sam's relative's house. I tried to get Vincente to nap, but his little 30 minute power nap after the parade gave him too much energy. 

The game was great, until the third quarter when Vincente decided he was ready to give the nap thing a second try - except for the fact that the stadium was too loud. He very loudly requested that we go home. So we did, and about an hour later he was passed out on the couch, and I waited for Jess and Sam and some of their other friends to come over and keep me company before bedtime. Then Jessica and her sister Lindsey spent the night. 

All in all, it was a great day. Full of good friends, good food, and good times. It's the first time I've ever really participated in the whole of homecoming, and I have to admit it was really fun. It's something I may like to do in the future when I have more kids, and we're living far away - make a trip up to Utah to visit BYU during homecoming, and take in all the good times. 

I love the memories made, and I sure wish Russ had been here with us - that would have made the fun all that much better.

a brief pause

I didn't realize how long it had been since I'd posted - I know four or five days isn't really THAT long, but for me (seeing how I've been posting nearly every day for the past few months) it is getting to be too long.

From my last post, you could probably see that I was very behind in school. Thanks to very understanding professors and some good friends, I was able to spend a lot of last week catching up. While it took its toll on me (I am sooo exhausted, it's not even funny), I am glad to be less behind, and have more or less of a plan to get caught up. I should be entirely caught up by Friday (including an exam that my professor is going to let me take at home on my own time, even though it was not originally a take home test). 

So that was most of the little pause in my posting - trying to catch up with school. And in general getting back on top of things. It takes exponentially longer when you have kids and no husband. Once you get behind it's almost like you're going to be behind for the rest of your life. Ick. 

And yesterday was Homecoming. A fabulously fun time. I'll make and entire post about that. Remember, if you want to see more pictures of our life (I don't usually post very many on here) look at our online gallery http://werner.mine.nu/gallery/becca

Oh yes - and today was filled with talking to Russ - for like almost 3 hours! It was the most emotionally rejuvenating thing that has happened since he left. It's like I'm supercharged now. We just got to chat and chat and chat - you know, like you do with your best friend - just talk. That's what best friends are for, and I have certainly missed chatting with Russ. One thing about it that I have missed the most is pointing out silly things that Vince does and having Russ laugh. We get a kick out of our kid - and not everyone gets as big of a kick out of your kids as you do yourself, so I've missed that. Today I described something silly Vince was doing in the moment, and Russ' laugh was priceless. I miss his laugh. I miss his arms. I miss his voice. I miss everything about him. I want him back. A month is a long time more to wait, but in a month from tomorrow I WILL SEE HIM AGAIN! I can't wait. At all. I'm going crazy.

catching...

I am desperately behind in Physics and Math. Although I calculated today that if I get a C in math and a D in Physics, I will still get above a 2.5! That's assuming A- and A's in all my other classes (which I'm pretty much right on track for). 

But I still need to catch up. Good thing I have good friends who have offered to help me out. I'm hoping I can really be finished with catch up after this week. We'll see.

good days

Today was a great day. I took Vince with me to school, and he got to play with me during classes and between classes and we had a picnic lunch and then took a nap together in a hallway in the ESC, and then played at Jessica's house for a while. It was super fun. I love being able to spend more time with him. Tuesdays are especially good for that at school because I only have two classes, and neither are really "serious" classes (I mean, they aren't full of a bunch of people who are ornery about distractions ;) ) And then I have two hours of nothing in between! So I usually miss Vince a lot during those two hours. But for the last two weeks, I've been able to take him with me on Tuesdays, and I think I will start doing that permenantly. I love him too much, and we have not been able to spend a lot of quality time together for the past few weeks, since I've had to do a lot of school work. I'm almost caught up. I'm mostly caught up as far as the work goes, but still behind a little bit as far as the concepts go. Physics will be the hardest to catch up in. I still haven't taken the last test, because I haven't been able to complete any of the homework, and I don't know when to get help. I should probably email my professor about that. I'm sure he'll be able to help. I just want to move on, but you can't really move on without understanding the stuff you missed, you know? So I'm trying to stay caught up the best I can, but it's hard with the little gaps.

I got a letter from Russ today. It was a nice surprise, becuase I talked to him on Sunday and he hadn't said he had sent a letter. It had a funny story about Russ immitating a Drill Sergeant (for a good cause - he was trying to get some privates to straighten up) and being asked about it by his Drill Sergeant, but not really reprimanded or anything. When I've got the letter down here by the computer I'll post the story. It was great.

I've been a little worried about not being able to feel this baby move, but on Sunday I felt my uterus tightening in different spots, so I'm assuming that was baby moving. I felt Vincente around 15 weeks, and I haven't felt anything and I'm already almost 18 weeks. I think it is a combination of having more body fat than when I was pregnant with Vince (not that I'm fatter now, I was just 19 when I was pregnant with Vince - my body hadn't finished become "womanly"), and being so busy and stressed that I just don't think I'd notice any movement even if it was happening. Life was much quieter back then. I had more time to sit and be still, which is probably conducive to feeling baby movements a little earlier. I have an appointment with my midwives on Thursday, so I'll hear the heartbeat and everything. She'll probably give me a few other reasons I may not be feeling the movement yet, but she'll assure me that everything is just fine.

And everything is just fine :)

my favorite moment of the week

The phone call!!

Although our talk was brief today, it was one of the most heartfelt we have had. A real heart-to-heart. I miss Russ so much. So much that I wrote him a letter tonight, more about what we talked about on the phone. With him gone, I think about him a LOT. Which means I think about the good times, the bad times, the hard times, the happy times, and so on. In particular, I keep thinking about all the times he has tried to teach me about humility. Those were really painful times for me - my pride was deeply hurt, and usually I just retaliated against Russ. Completely not fair for him. I think I am starting to understand what humility really means, and so I think about these moments more and more - times when my pride was hurt, and I blamed it on Russ being insensitive or selfish, when in reality, it was just me being prideful! The talks during Conference have kind of brought this to my attention as well. 

Anyway, so our talk today was nice. Waiting for Sunday is the worst part about the week, now. And the hours Sunday afternoon drag by as I wait and wait for the phone to ring. I miss him so much. More than I can even express. I'm counting down the days until we get to be with him again.

mothering

As Vincente gets older and understands more things and is developing his personality more, I worry about making sure he learns good things. It breaks my heart when he throws tantrums and gets mad and flops around like a crazy person. I almost feel like I am some cause of these negative emotions.

Then I have to remind myself that he's a human being, and it's GOOD for him to experience all kinds of emotions, even negative ones. I just hope I can help him learn how to deal with the negative emotions, and minimize them. It's hard for a one year old to understand that he can make a choice to be happier, and he doesn't have to get mad over little things. That's probably my biggest goal right now - helping him understand that. It's hard to know how to do it. I'm trying to set a good example by not getting mad at things, and trying to be happy and peaceful. I'm trying to make sure we say family prayer, so we can have the spirit in our home. I'm trying to make sure we read the scriptures every day so we can learn about the gospel principles that will keep us happy. I just hope all that rubs off on him, that he figures it out.

Part of it might be that Russ is gone. That can screw up anyone's emotions (let me tell you!).

The challenges we face by being mothers are some of the most difficult, but at the same time the results are more rewarding than anything.

I suggest reading a book by Dr. Wallace Goddard (my old institute teacher) - The Soft-Spoken Parent. He says a lot of good things in this book that have really helped me as I try to be a better parent for Vincente. The most satisfying thing about Bro. Goddard's writing is that he always bases parenting on the gospel. He has an amazing way of making you think about your testimony of Jesus Christ as the way to parent. He wrote a very good article about parenting in another book, but I can't find a link to the book. I think it is called "Likening the Scriptures" or something. He edited it and has a few articles in there. My copy is packed away in my storage unit somewhere, so I don't even know the title of the article. Anyway, he has written a lot on marriage and parenting (he is an expert at both! I know his family... I know!). Anyway, I found a list of articles he wrote for Meridian Magazine. They are probably very similar to everything else he has written. I just really feel the spirit when I read the things he has written about marriage and parenting. I think there is a lot of truth in his suggestions. Sometimes you read stuff about parenting and you're like "Well... that might work in some circumstances, or for one child." Or you may say "That doesn't sound very Christlike." Or you might be confused altogether. But Bro. Goddard's suggestions and writing make me feel like "That's how Christ would do it if HE was parenting my kid!" I think the big thing about Bro. Goddard is that he doesn't really give you a bunch of different techniques for discipline, etc. He teaches you how to REALLY love your child and how to REALLY understand that they ARE a child of God. Not that any of us don't love our children, or don't think they are children of God - but some of us forget exactly what that means. Anyway, Bro. Goddard really puts some things in perspective. I feel like I am a better parent because of his teachings. All of them are in line with the gospel of Jesus Christ, so I don't feel that I can go wrong. And when I come across a certain parenting technique (for potty-training, discipline, etc) I like to weigh it against what Bro. Goddard has said, and then I know better whether it is a just and holy parenting principle, or just the world's way of "fixing" a problem.

So I got a little carried away there about Bro. Goddard - you can probably tell how much I REALLY like him :) I sure miss his institute class, that's for sure.

May Heavenly Father bless you in your righteous endeavors as parents!

VIP access only

This blog is now a private blog. Hooray! I can post whatever I want! ;) Don't worry, I think we've been pretty G rated, and we're planning on staying that way.

Happy reading!

living waters

I am very excited for General Conference this weekend. It's something I always look forward to, but at this particularily complicated time in my life, I am needing it more than ever. I love hearing what the prophets and other leaders have to say to us. Their testimonies are bolstering and their words are always encouraging and uplifting (even when they are reprimanding us!).

I always like to have some questions in mind that can be answered. The answers don't always come word for word from the speakers' mouths, but the spirit always answers them for me in some way. There have been some conferences where I come away 100% sure that a certain speaker said a certain thing, but when I look through the Ensign the next month, I can't for the life of me find the "quote" I thought I heard. Interesting, eh? Anyway, I do look forward to feeling the spirit of conference, and now that Vincente is getting bigger, it will be easier to listen (even if he doesn't listen, at least I can now that he's better at amusing himself). 

I'll miss visiting Aunt Lavina, but I don't have Russ, and Jessica is busy spending conference Saturday with a certain somebody. On top of that, Aunt Lavina just got back from a trip to North Carolina, so she's probably exhausted.

Anyway, it's time to put a cranky toddler to bed. Of course. "Eee cup?" (That's how he asks for his sippy cup)

closer

I am getting there - almost caught up in my classes. Definitely making progress. Feeling better all around. Life is much better with this car accident thing far far behind me.

Missing Russ. Making plans to drive to visit Russ for Thanksgiving - cheaper than flying anyone anywhere. Plus, I'll probably be able to get some BYU student(s) to hitch a ride.

pain and misery

My head hurts. A lot. And it didn't go away with rest. And it didn't go away with Tylenol. I hate headaches. A lot. So this is my post for the day because my head hurts, and looking at the screen doesn't help.

simplicity

We finally have a new car! Now life is back to being (mostly) simple. Like making sugar cookies on Saturday mornings. And playing frisbee at night while the dogs run crazy around the yard. In general, just having a good time, no matter what we are doing.

Here is a glimpse of the new car. It was my first experience haggling for a car price! I have to say I did a pretty good job. I walked out paying (after taxes, fees, etc) over $1000 under the LOW book price. So, I feel pretty good about myself! And I qualified for the loan all by myself.

I am feeling very complete right now. Finished, like life goes back to normal. Of course, once it gets back to normal is when it will start getting crazy again! Stinking life never just stays simple for too long.

I love my soldier

I tried to scan a picture of Russ to include in the post, but my in-laws computer doesn't have any more room left on their (40G!) harddrive upstairs, so I couldn't save the scan. Anyway, I'll update this post with his picture probably tomorrow at school, or maybe on Tuesday.

Russ called today! On his own cell phone! Which was FABULOUS. It was exciting to see his name pop up on my phone. Hooray for mein Lieber. We talked for a while - it was so refreshing to talk to him (it always is). He sounds like he misses us a lot. Not that I didn't already know that, but it makes my heart break to be so far away from him. A man needs his family, and a family needs their papai. Soon... soon...

I really love my hubby. He's sore from doing a bunch of pushups, so I hope he will be able to recover before he has to take another PFT. He said he's so sore he can't even do ONE pushup - which means he must be pretty sore. I guess he over did it when he was doing them on his own. My strong hubby. I told him he should get a blessing. I think that would help him recover faster. Maybe, maybe not. Either way, I think he will do fine if he has faith. 

I got to tell him all about our car situation - he was really impressed with my awesome interest rate! :) I'm really satisfied with our financial situation and how we're dealing with staying out of debt and setting ourselves up for a good financial future. We really want to serve missions and be able to serve the Church, and I think we're eventually going to be in a really good position to do that.

I love Russ, and I miss him a lot. But right now my focus is on school and keeping myself and my babies healthy. I can't wait to buy a car so this car thing will be completely over and done with!!

living water

I went to the General Relief Society Broadcast today with my MIL and my sister-in-law Mary (here after referred to as Memo). It was oodles of fun (well, the drive up, and the dinner before hand, and the drive down). The conference itself was a wonderful uplifting meeting. President Uchtdorf gave a particularily encouraging talk. I felt really motivated after his talk.

I would write more, but Vincente is needed my attention, and since I left him home all day (he hasn't seen me since before his nap!) I can't deny his requests.

So, off to play mommy! My favorite job of all, by far. Read/listen to the conference, if you didn't get a chance to, and if you did get a chance to listen or watch, re-read, re-listen, or re-watch... it will totally be worth it!

Communication!

I got a letter from Russ today. It's entirely in Portuguese (apparently I asked him to write in Portuguese. He asked me on Sunday if I was serious... and being more in my right mind I said "Heck no!" My Portuguese skills are only one step above non-existant!).

So now I'm trying to translate his letter! Wish me luck!

alone

I'm alone... and I haven't got a letter from Russ in nearly a WEEK! What's wrong with that crazy head man! I'm writing him letters EVERY day, telling him how much I miss him and love him and he's out playing soldier and forgetting about his little family that wants to hold him and cuddle him and roll around and play horsies and tigers and monsters, and be thrown up in the air by him (obviously you know I'm not just talking about myself here). I miss Vincente's face when Russ plays with him. I miss Russ' smell. I miss his big strong hugs. I miss his prickly face (it's even prickly almost right after he shaves!). I miss hearing his motorcycle coming up the street. I even miss hearing his motorcycle leave for work at night! I miss missing him for a few hours, and then seeing him, and falling in love all over again. I miss family prayers in Portuguese. I miss cooking together. I miss getting myself cute for him, knowing that he's going to look at me that way and tell me how beautiful I am. I miss holding his hand while we take Vincente on walks. I miss hearing him sing lullabies to Vincente at night. I miss resting my head on his chest while we're watching movies. 

Okay! Enough. We're going to see him in less than 2 months... but it seems forever away! and then he's gone AGAIN! I guess we'll probably see him on Thanksgiving and at Christmas... but I just can't wait to live close to him again. It's not so much that there is an empty place in my heart as it is like something has been stretched out of my heart and is still attached, but is very far away and is pulling and pulling at me. And I want it back. Right now. I feel like stomping my foot and pouting. 

I want my Russellhead.

too worn out

Yes. I am way too tired to write anything today, but I thought I should, because Heavenly Father has decided that this car accident thing should be the easiest trial I have ever dealt with. I keep trying to make it out to be worse than it is, but the pieces keep falling into place - our safety the day of the accident, the insurance giving me a good deal for my totaled car, paying for a rental, taking care of everything, basically, then me being able to qualify for an amazing loan by myself, and finding a killer deal on the exact car I want (actually, a killer deal on a better version of the exact car I want!)...

Anyway, I keep trying to make it be worse than it is, but then Heavenly Father plops another blessing in my lap, as if He is saying "Becca, you know I won't let anything be too hard for you right now." And then I sit, dumbfounded, wondering how on earth I am going to pay Him back for all these blessings. 

He really is looking out for us. And He loves us, I have no doubts about it!

Vincente's First Word

I don't mean his first SPOKEN word - he's been speaking words for a long time (about 12/13 months) ... I mean his first READ word. 

For the past few months, Vincente has been ejoying learning his letters and "reading." He can recognize A, B, C, D, and I, in any order, anywhere you write them. Ever since I taught him those few letters, he started "reading" anything that looked like words. He would "read" receipts, hymnbooks, my planner, any books he could find, and so on. His "reading" consists mainly of saying letters, and then graduated into saying all sorts of sounds and two syllable "words." 

I thought I should take advantage of his interest in reading and read more books to him. So I dug out all the "Bright and Early Books for BEGINNING beginners" - a bunch of Dr. Suess books, and some others. The first one I pulled out was Great Day for Up. The reason I picked this book first is because the word "UP" is almost always written in bigger, brighter colored print, so I thought "Hey, maybe he'll learn the word 'Up'"

Well, we sat down to read. Vincente, with his attention span typical for his age, sat through maybe three pages, and then kept turning the pages by himself saying "Up! Up!" on each page. I thought "Great... now he'll never learn how to read... he can't even let me finish one VERY short book."

So I gave up, let him have the book, and moved on to my own homework. 

Well, this was last week sometime, now fast forward to last night at my birthday dinner. Christy took me out, and we were sitting there drawing on the kids' menu with Vincente. He wanted me to draw his letters, then cars, busses, trains, trucks, etc. After a little while of drawing pictures, Vincente randomly (I thought!) said "Up!" Christy and I chuckled, and I told her how I had read him Great Day for Up recently, and he just likes saying the word "Up!"

We continued talking and drawing and eating our salads, when I looked down and read what Vincente's menu said. At the top of the page were the words "What I want to be when I GROW UP" (the words "grow up" were in bigger print). I said to Christy, "Look! It says 'Up' on this page! Vincente read 'Up'!" We started getting hysterical - my 18 month old child recognized the word "Up"!!! Anyway, so we called my mom to tell her the great news - her first grandson is starting to read at the tender age of 18  months! 

It's not like I have been trying to teach him how to read anyway - I was going to wait until I finished school to even teach him his letters, really. But hey, if they want to learn, there's nothing wrong with helping them out. So Vincente and I are going to read more often, and I'm going to buy him alphabet blocks so he can start learning all of his letters :)

Surprise

Today was my birthday. I wouldn't have even really wrote about it being my birthday if not for the most fabulous things that happened today.

I woke up this morning not really even thinking about my birthday. More wondering why on earth Vincente didn't sleep longer. I went upstairs to find him, and of course there is my MIL taking care of him like the sweet grandma she is (she never wakes me up if Vince wakes up without waking me up ... she just takes care of him. Unless she has to leave somewhere, then she brings him down and plops him in bed with me :) ) As I walk upstairs in my pjs with my hair all frizzy and probably with mascara under my eyes, she says "Happy Birthday, Becca!" Of course, that makes me smile, because everyone just loves being wished happy birthday. Then she made me some hot cocoa, and we sat on the couch with V

ince snuggled between us and watched some show on Playhouse Disney (I don't even remember what it was, I just remember Vince laying his head on me and loving me and drinking his sip

py cup... and my hot cocoa).

After that, my MIL said "I'll watch Vincente while you go get ready for school and make yourself all cute for your birthday - that's always good." I love having time in the morning to dedicate to make myself look good - because when I look good, I feel good. I wore my "cute" jeans - a pair of jeans I inheirited from my 17 year old sister in law after I had Vincente and couldn't fit back into my "skinny" jeans. I put on a pink shirt (pink always makes me feel cute), straightened my hair, put on my Coral jewelry, 

and did my makeup - complete with eye shadow, which I hardly ever wear anymore in the interest of time - and used a brand spanking new tube of mascara - I'd forgotten what new mascara feels like! Then I got all my snacks ready for school, played with Vince for a little bit, then head off to school. Christy had called me Sunday night and asked to take me out for my birthday dinner - so that was all I could really think about all day - going out to dinner with my favorite sister in the world! (okay, so she's my only sister, but I still loooove hanging out with her, and we're both so busy these days...)

So I spend the day at school as usual, played the piano for religion class, thoroughly enjoyed English (since I did the reading ;)  ) and as usual, enjoyed Phsyics. Then as a birthday present to myself I skipped my math class. I shouldn't have, but he drops our lowest 5 homework scores, so I figured why not use one on my birthday. Seemed like a great birthday gift to myself. On my way to my car I listened to my messages. My mom had called and left me a

 message singing Happy Birthday - those always make your day! I grinned the whole time, and it left me in a good mood for the rest of the day. I stopped by the post office on my way home to mail a letter to my sweet hubby off at Basic Trai

ning. I had to buy another book of stamps for him, and since the post office is on the road home, it's the most convenient place. I also had to ask about mailing him his cell phone. While I was in line at the post office, my dad called - but just as he was calling, the lady was ready for me, so I didn't answer. I called him back later to get even more happy birthday wishes! And of course, they sent me their trademark BlueMountain greeting card! Those are always my favorite to get from my parents. On days of note (birthdays, anniversaries, mother's day, etc) I just know I can expect one lining my inbox - my family has very reliable love! My parents were concerned that someone was thinking about me for my brithday :) They are going to be pleasantly surprised with the events of the day.

So I got home and checked the mail. I had a birthday card from Russ' grandma (she's really good about sending birthday cards to the WHOLE family - and that's a lot of kids, grandkids, and greatgrandkids. It's pretty amazing.) and a check from State Farm insurance for Vincente's car seat that I bought him after the wreck. Since I wasn't expecting that check, it was a nice birthday present. Now I have spending money! :) On top of all THAT, I got a chiropractic appointment for tomorrow, made all the phone calls I needed, AND found out about my car.

They're going to pay us $13,550 for the car :) Which after the loan payoff leaves us with about a $3500 down payment on a new car. Fabulous, I know! I can pretty much buy whatever car I want, because we can probably pre-qualify for a loan at the same bank we have our loan at right now! Yes, so that was birthday present #10 or something like that. The day just couldn't get better.

Then Christy came and took us out for dinner. It was way fun. My sister is fabulous, and I love her a lot. Vincente read the word "Up" at the resturant from the kids' menu. Check back tomorrow for the details on that one - it was amazing! My kid is a genius, officially!! Anyway, I had a yummy-licious steak. Then Christy was going to take us to WalMart, pick up some ice cream and then take us back home for ice cream treats. Well, both of us were really stuffed after the great dinner, and I mentioned to Christy that my MIL wanted to do something with the family for my birthday, so we should probably be getting home anyway. We pulled up at the house and I saw a blue Jeep Patriot pull up. That's Will and Maria's car. I thought... what are Will and Maria doing here... that's random. Then I figured maybe one of Heather's friends had the same car. When we got to the door in the garage, it was locked. I figured someone must have thought Vincente was around and they should lock the door to make sure he didn't get out. When I opened the door and the lights were all out, except for the glow of birthday candles from the counter, I couldn't help myself. Tears started coming as my friends and family sang Happy Birthday to me. My Uncle Dave and Aunt Tammy and all their girls were there, along with my best friends Jessica (and her little sister Lindsey), Chrystal, and Maria (and her daughter Cadence), and of course Christy and all the Rowley clan. 

It was the best birthday party a girl could ever ask for. I don't think I've ever had a party that I didn't plan myself - not because I have to throw parties to get people to come see me, but I just like having parties! I love my friends, and I love my family - and to have them think about me like this was just really really touching. Especially at a time when I sometimes feel really lonely, missing Russ. And especially on my birthday - an occaision that sometimes feels like it only means a lot to you, and sometimes your spouse, if you're lucky. Russ and I have always celebrated our birthdays together, since his birthday is tomorrow. This is the first birthday we haven't celebrated together since we've known each other. And the Rowley clan really made it memorable for me. This is probably the best birthday I've ever had. 

I feel really blessed to have so many people who love me and care about me. I think I notice it more while Russ is gone - not so much because they are loving me more, but because Russ' love is so far away, their love rushes in to fill the void. And I know Russ loves me, too - he sent his mom a letter (which she got this morning) asking her to please do something special for my birthday. Little did he know what she had up her sleeve! 

I just can't express my gratitude enough for such good family and friends. I feel like the most loved person on the planet today! And that's how birthdays should be!!

RELIEF

At last, the point of my exsistence this past week - to talk to Russ on the phone. It was great to hear his voice, even though the quality was a little on the weak end, since he had to use a pay phone. Apparently the punk teenager kids in his platoon weren't checking the cell phones back in to the Drill Sergeant after their Sunday calls. This of course is against the rules (and trying to hide stuff from Drill Sergeants is NEVER a good idea... that's like ASKING for death or dismemberment, or maybe both). So as a result, all the cell phones got confiscated and instead of getting MORE privileges (since they've been at Basic so long) they're getting privileges taken away. Because of the stupid teenage kids. That's probably Russ' biggest challenge at Basic Training - dealing with the same kinds of kids that it was his job to "fix" when he worked at therapeutic boarding schools - the kind of kids who punch other kids in the face, breaking their jaws. Yes... a kid did that... and went to jail for it. And is back at Basic Training. I told Russ before he left that at Basic they try to find ways to keep you there, not kick you out. I said that to Russ to be encouraging, because he lacks confidence in his physical fitness skills... not because he was planning on beating people up. But this just proves my point - if kids who keep getting sent to jail while they are AT Basic Training get to go BACK to Basic Training... well, then I'm sure they're going to keep Russ there even if he has a hard time doing enough push ups and sit ups. I'm positive he's one of the best soldiers they have there. He's obedient, honest, a hard worker, and really physically fit, even if he can't do 100 gazillion push ups and sit ups.

Speaking of which, when we talked today, I asked him about his PFT and such. He said he still struggles with push ups and sit ups, but that his running is great. He ran a 6'47" mile. That's fast. And he's in the "Alpha Company" for running, which is the fastest people. Out of about 80 people who started, only 16 are still in it. They run around a 7 minute mile every time they run... and not just one mile. They run three. I don't care who you are, that's hard. So he's probably slimming down in his gut, which is good, because he was putting on a little too much fat. I hope he still has his muscles up top - mostly for his sake. He likes being strong. Well, he likes LOOKING strong, and being strong usually comes along with that (the opposite is not always true). Anyway, oh yes, and people keep stealing his underwear... weird, I know. That is the strangest thing I have ever heard of anyone stealing... underwear? Yuck. Why would you even want to wear another person's underwear? Anyway, so he's having to buy new black spandex shorts all the time (the required PT uniform undies). I told him that I will just go buy a bunch of cheap ones at Wal Mart and send him a pair every week. That way, if kids steal them, it won't matter, because he'll have more as soon as they do. In fact, if I send him too many, then he can give them away! He'll be the most popular private there! Heh. Anyway, weird kids. Stealing underwear! I just can't get over it!! That's disgusting!

Okay, so there you have it - the update for now. Life is good for us. I'm calling the chiropractor tomorrow so I can get my back and hips fixed. They pop all the time when I move... which can't be good. And school - so going like smoothness. I have a religion test this week over the gospel of Mark. Hmm... so I should probably go finish reading it! End of update!

twice

I don't know why I'm posting again today. Maybe because I'm feeling a little better? I got to take a nap. It was the best. And I got to donate my BYU ticket to my very good friend and her hubby, who also ended up being able to get a ticket, and they got to go to a BYU football game. It made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. I love friends, especially the ones who have you over and watch your kid and feed you food all the time when you're missing your SOS.

I think really the only reason I'm writing again today is because I have to stay up to do laundry. Instead of doing my laundry this morning like a relatively sane person (and without Russ, I only have to do two small loads each week! It's amazing!) I waited, because I was lazy (and tired, and hurting... you get the picture) and then my MIL had to do her laundry (and I guess that's only fair, since Saturday isn't technically my laundry day ... I get the afternoons during the week ... plus, it is her washing machine and dryer, so I really can't complain, especially since we're completely mooching off them anyway!) by the time I decided to do my laundry. So now I am up doing laundry. I would just wait until Monday, but all of Vincente's Sunday clothes need washing. His shirt, his jacket, his pants. Pretty much the only things that stay clean on Sunday are his tie and his belt (he has multiple pairs of Sunday socks, so those don't count). It probably has something to do with this weird idea I have that we should stay dressed in our Sunday clothes the whole Sabbath. I think it's more a personal thing for me. If I stay dressed up, I'm more likely to remember Whose day it really is, and keep it holy. If I get in comfy clothes, then I feel like the day is for me to cuddle on the couch and watch a good movie. Unless the movie is The Testaments or Legacy, that doesn't really fit my idea of worshipping the Lord. I won't say I'm the perfect image of keeping the Sabbath day holy, but I do like to try. I like to dedicate all my time on the Sabbath to serving the Lord. Some activities I like to do (once I'm done with Church and choir practice) are playing hymns (on the piano or violin), studying conference talks or BYU devotionals, working on Family History research, reading the scriptures, or watching Church videos with Vincente. We like watching the Living Scriptures videos, even though we only own one. I know they aren't 100% accurate all the time, but they are pretty close, and they are really good for Vincente to watch, when he wants a show on Sundays. I'd rather him watch that than commercial television. 

Anyway, the point is, I am awake doing laundry... sucks to be me, I know. Eventually I will go to sleep (probably as soon as I get the whites in the dryer and the other load in the washer... if I put the other load in the dryer as soon as I wake up, it will be ready just in time to head out the door!)

And... nursery for Vincente tomorrow!! I'll have to remember to scamper over after RS a little faster. We went over last week, and then I lollygagged for a minute before I realized that Vincente wasn't just hanging out with Russ!

Oh yes, and the best part about tomorrow (hopefully) - a PHONE CALL from RUSSELLHEAD! You will most definitely know if I do or don't get the call. If the title for tomorrow's post is in all caps, you'll know I got one. If it's only one or two words, all lower-case, and with the words "lonliness" in the heading... well, you'll know I didn't get the call, or I missed the call.

But here's to hoping I get a call tomorrow :)

stone eggs

The loneliness bird is laying stone eggs in my heart again. 

I only got one letter from Russ this week, and he wrote it before I talked to him on Sunday, so it didn't really have anything new in it. Maybe I should read all his letters again... it may help aleiviate some of the heavy-heart feelings I have right now. I just miss him a lot, and right now with all the stress of dealing with car insurance, doctors, etc and trying to keep up with school, I am just so tired all the time. It doesn't help that being pregnant makes it hard to sleep at night (super bad congestion) and hard to eat in the morning (nausea...). I would say life is horrible right now, but it's actually pretty good, and I can see a lot of blessings in my life. I am just really tired, and I don't like feeling tired. I probably just need a good nap. That's also something hard to get because I'm playing "single mom" right now. So if Vincente needs something, I am the one who has to take care of him. And if he wakes up early, there's no one else to tend him while I sleep in for a little bit. And if I just need a few minutes of shut eye in the afternoon, it has to be while he's napping (which also happens to be the best time to get things done that take a little more concentration). I do not envy the job of a single mom, and I admire every last one of them. It's a hard job, and I live with my in-laws, so I do get help sometimes, when they aren't all busy. But I wouldn't want this to go on much longer than it has to.

Good thing I have so many happy good things going for me. And good thing I love my little Vince so much that it is totally worth it.

it's wonderful

The insurance finally accepted liability for the car accident! They called the repair place (where my car has been sitting for over a week!) and are going to get the ball rolling. Hopefully I'll have my car appraised and a check waiting for me within the week! Hoorah! There are still a million things to call. Just when I think it's getting easy... I still have to get my back taken care of, bill my insurance for Vincente's pediatrician check up, look for a car, call the bank, get my car appraised (on my own... to make sure I don't get screwed over), and all the while go to school and stay on top of my homework. This is going to be a crazy weekend!!!

On another note, I'm sending Russ a birthday package tomrrow! I hope he gets to play with all the fun birthday party things I'm sending him! It's hard to know what to send him, because he hasn't told me what he has. I'm sending stamps,

 because you can never have too many stamps. 

Oh yes, and my class ring came today!! Hooray class ring!! It is beautiful. Russ' will come soon, I think. We're going to be officially a graduated family. What a wonderful thing. It's been a long time coming. 

I was thinking yesterday how good I feel about myself, that I was able to get married and start a family, all while continuing my education. It was really hard sometimes, but as the season of my formal education draws to a close, I look back and think about what an awesome experience it was for me, for Russ, and for Vincente. The fact that I finished my degree will tell my children something. It will show them that their mom is strong, and finishes what she starts. They will know that education is important to me. I want my children to be blessed by education, and what a better way to teach them the importance of education than by working for it myself. For any of you who want to finish your school - do it! It may be hard for a little while, but the payoff in the end will be SO worth it! Even if you never use your degree formally in a career - just the character you build by perservering will be a  benefit. I can't remember who said it, but someone has said that children will never recover from the ignorance of their mothers.

Hats off to all you mothers out there who persue your educational goals, whether they be formal or informal. Your children will be blessed for it!

No Child Left Behind?

I am writing a research paper for my English class. It's more of an issues paper, and I am going to talk about education law and federal vs. state power when it comes to education. Whose responsibility is it? How have both branches (federal and state) been attempting to equalize the quality of education? How have they succeeded? How have they fallen short? What are some things each could do differently? What are some alternative solutions? 

So that's pretty much it. It's going to be some hefty research, and I want to find some good statistics - high school dropout rates, ACT scores, AP courses taken, AP exams taken, reading levels, etc etc - and compare schools before NCLB, and after NCLB, and analyze pretty much that entire law (NCLB). I downloaded the entire text from the US Department of Education. It's going to be a nice long read... probably potty reading ;) Heh, just kidding. 

If you have any opinions, please feel free to leave them here, or email me. I'm trying to collect as many different viewpoints as possible. 

Wish me luck!

good things

I just decided that I really like reading people's blogs. Especially people I like :) Of course, I wouldn't read your blog if I didn't like you! 

Things here are going along great - school is getting back together. The car accident just made things really crappy for a while. (excuse my french) I'm starting to get a little belly, which is actually kind of weird, because when I was weighed on Thursday after the car accident (to make sure Baby #2 was okay) I hadn't actually gained any weight since my last appointment 4 weeks ago... But here comes trimester 2, and if I remember correctly, that's when the weight gain was the worst... or best. But this time I'm staying fit, running, doing step aerobics, and don't forget chasing around an inexhaustable toddler. Plus going to school, and the fact that all of my classes are in different buildings, and usually on opposite ends of campus from each other. Which leads to me huffing and puffing my way across campus. It's weird, I'm not even big yet and I already feel awkward. 

And this car accident has taken a lot out of my health. The odd part about it is that I wasn't really hurt. But the stress is making me sick, exhausted, and feeling icky. Thankfully I have Heavenly Father to rely on. That's the only thing that can make these things better, anyway. He's protected us, blessed us, and led our lives... now I just need to ask Him for more. It always seems like I'm being selfish, or asking for too much, but the thing is, Heavenly Father wants to bless us more than He is blessing us. He wants us to ask for it, and He wants us to keep our promises to Him. It's amazing how He can sustain me and lift me up when I'm tired and I don't think I can go on.

I'm just feeling really grateful since the car accident. And since we found out that we will get a separation allowance, we'll be able to get out of debt even faster! Which means that we'll get to save more faster! Which means Heavenly Father is blessing us more than we know how to thank Him for. 

I really feel like angels were with us in that car accident. I really feel that Heavenly Father wanted us to know how watched over we are. I think He wanted me to know without a doubt that He is with us while Russ is gone, and even when Russ is here, but especially right now when we need Him the most, He is hear watching us, paying special attention to us. And I feel completely grateful for it.

private access only

This blog is going private. If you are a regular reader of my blog (and I don't know it) send me an email, or message me on facebook, or whatever. We'll probably go private around the end of September or the beginning of October.

Anyway, if you are family, don't worry about getting an invite - you'll automatically get one. Other than that, you'll have to let me know you're interested in our life :)

BAH

Just kidding about BAH - I just looked at our MyPay account... and our check for September has already posted... weird because supposedly you get paid on the 1st and 15th of each month (or just the 1st)... but we're getting paid on the 19th... I am officially confused with military pay schedules. I always have been, but I thought it was just because Russ was only drilling. Now that he is full-time military... I am still confused, so I guess that makes me officially confused. Anyway, regardless of confusion, we get our BAH. The whole thing. Fabulous. And we get a separation allowance, which I wasn't expecting - which is super great! Any extra money is always a nice thing. So, onward and upward out of debt, and hooray for getting a new car!

A PHONE CALL!!

At last - I answered the phone at the right time! Russ called today (in choir practice, in the middle of me directing our piece we're learning for October). I answered the phone and got to talk to him for probably about 30-45 minutes. It was fabulous. Very refreshing, very needed. I told him about the car accident. I didn't tell him that we rolled, but I told him that it wasn't our fault and that our car was totaled, so we would be getting a new car. I think he was okay about it. Anyway, we talked for a while, Vincente said "Hi" but mostly just enjoyed playing with the phone. I don't think he realized that it was Pai on the other end. But I know Vince misses Russ a lot, because he always asks to watch the videos Russ made for him. Well, Russ gave me a little bit of disturbing news about our BAH - that we may not get it, because we're living with his parents. Well, we're living with his parents for two reasons, 1.) to have childcare while I go to school, and 2.) to save money while Russ is gone. So basically, to save us money. But the problem is, if Russ doesn't get the BAH, then we're making LESS money that we were before he joined the military. And we thought we would at least be making the same amount of money. So it ends up that we're going to be making LESS money than we would if we were renting our own place and having Russ work the same job he had. Yes, that's right... it's COSTING us to live free at my in laws... not because they're charging us anything... but because the military said we'd get the BAH, and we may not. So anyway, we'll find out for sure in October when Russ gets his first check. 

Meanwhile, in other news - Vincente went to nursery today!! It was the most fulfilling Sunday I have ever had, and I think Vince thoroughly enjoyed himself as well. Of course he loves playing and snacks, but I think just being in nursery he feels like he belongs somewhere. 

He made this paper-bag gingerbread man today in nursery. It was so cute. When he walked out of nursery he handed it to me, gabbing about stuff. When I picked him up he snuggled me hard core. 

Poor little guy was pooped. So much fun in nursery! He usually naps during church, but no more, now that he has nursery. Which means he'll take EXCELLENT naps after church!! It's going to be great. I'm really excited that he did so well today. I checked up on him between Sunday School and Relief Society, and he looked content as can be. The nursery leaders said he was fine and hadn't even made a peep. What an angel. Boy do I love that little kid. I missed him a little... but not enough to wish he was back in meetings with me! Sacrament meeting is enough! But he's an angel during that, so I can't complain. He's such a good, obedient kid. I just know my next one is going to be a challenge! Well, I hope I get all sweet-tempered, beautiful children. All my children will be beautiful... but the sweet tempered I worry about. If they're anything like me, things could get hairy!

Well, we're recovering from the accident. I'm going to pick up the police report tomorrow after school and fax it to the insurance company. Then hopefully we'll get this ball rolling and I'll be able to get a new car before too long. I'm looking at a Highlander or a Pilot. More room, but still pretty good gas mileage. I'd like a 4-cylinder with the extra seat, but we'll see if I can be that picky. I might just have to go for a V6 with the extra seat... that's just worse fuel economy than I'm really willing to sacrifice for the extra room...

We'll see.

crash

I picked up Vincente from the dentist's office today after school because he had to be there with my MIL while she waited for her 12 year old son to have his dentist visit. Then I was going to get home and wait for the two younger boys to get home from school, and if it was raining, I was going to go pick up the kindergartener from school so he wouldn't have to ride home in the rain.

I got Vince all buckled in the car seat. He was in his usually good mood, and played with me on the ride home, covering his face with his snuggle and playing peek-a-boo. Anyway, we started driving down the hill from Spanish Fork into Salem. The speed limit is reduced from 55 mph to 40 mph, and because people often "forget," the police dept puts up their little "friendly reminder" speed detector just past the new speed limit sign. They don't know this, but their speed detector is two mph slow. I can be going 42 and it thinks I'm going 40! But that's okay, because I go by my spedometer anyway. So I was watching my speed drop from 50 to 40 (well, from 48 to 38) on the speed detector, amused that my speed was two mph faster than it said it was.

Just past the speed detector, I turned around for a second to smile at Vincente - for just about as long as you look over your shoulder to do a shoulder check before changing lanes. When I turned back around, there it was. A yellowish gold car. Running into me. My first thought was "Oh crap! Maybe I swerved out of my lane!" My second thought was "I've been hit!" My third thought was "This airbag is yellow, my old one was white." My fourth thought was "Okay... I just got hit... oh crap... we're tipping over." As we rolled, my mind was flashing images of cars rolling over and bodies being flung out of the cars, bloody foreheads, broken legs... all sorts of scary things. Then when the car stopped rolling and was "safely" resting on the driver's side of the car, I looked back at Vincente and started screaming "My baby! My baby!" I struggled with my seatbelt for a second, then climbed over the driver's seat to the back driver's side door. Vincente was trapped in his carseat, screaming. I got him out of his harness, grabbed his snuggle, and held him close, telling him I had him and reassuring him that it was okay. His mouth was full of blood, but he seemed okay. Then I noticed people coming towards my car. They kept asking me "Are you okay? Is the baby okay? Are you the only people in the car?" but all I could do was scream "What happened? What happened? What happened?" Finally I asked "Was it my fault!?" Once the lady reassured me that it wasn't my fault, I handed Vincente to her and finished climbing out of my mangled car. I didn't 100% believe her, because her word wasn't the final say, but it was a little reassuring. 

Once we were out of the car, she got us to sit down on the side of the road. Vincente's emotions mirrored mine exactly. If I was hysterical, he was hysterical. If I could calm myself down, he was relatively calm, and kept pointing at the car and saying "Our car?" I think he was wondering why it was laying on its side. 

The EMT's looked us over, asked if we wanted to go to the hospital, and once we said no, they let us go home with my MIL and brother in law, Brady. They had come straight to the scene from the dentist's office. So Vincente and I escaped with abraisons from the seat belts and carseat, and Vince had a few little wounds on his tongue from biting it during the crash (that's what all the blood was from).

Besides being incredibly shaken up, not having a car, and not having a husband (ironically the only time I get in car accidents is when Russ is gone to military training...) we're doing alright. Kind of sore and banged up. I'm going to go to the Dr's office tomorrow to get the baby checked out. Vince looks fine, but if he starts acting weird at all, I'm taking him straight in to get checked. I could always take him in anyway, but it's too much of a hassle right now, and he really looks okay. Oh yes, and I have increased faith in my Evenflo Chase booster carseat. You hope you never really have to test the crash ratings for those things... but mine held up. They now come highly recommended by me :) I bought an Evenflo convertible carseat in the first place (the Evenflo Titan) because consumer reports gave it one of the best safety ratings. I figured if the convertible seat was so good, the booster carseats must be pretty good too. Turns out they are! :)

Anyway, if you ever need help installing your carseat correctly, let me know as well. I figure I must be a pro at it if my kid got out of a rolling car with only a bit tongue and some seatbelt burns. That's impressive!

While I was taking a jetted bath with Vince after the accident I kept thinking about why this might happen to me. I don't mean I was going around asking "Why me? Why me!?" I just like to see some kind of reason behind everything, because I believe that everything happens for a reason. I've been really feeling close to Heavenly Father lately, and I wasn't doing anything wrong or illegal or anything. So I thought about it, and then I thought about how we were relatively untouched during a really bad crash. I know guardian angels were looking out for us. And I honestly believe that there is more to it than this, but I think Heavenly Father wanted us to know that he is watching out for us, and that He will take care of us right now while Russ is away. It's like He's the Patriarch of our home while Russ is away. I feel very very blessed right now. 

a letter! and an address!

I finally got a letter from Russ with a useable return address!! So now I am probably going to send him a letter EVERY SINGLE DAY! I miss him soooo much, and it's unbearable not to be able to talk to him, so mailing him a letter every day will have to do. I hope he doesn't mind :) The other privates are going to wonder why he gets so much mail. It's because his wife loves him soooooo much and is absolutely lonely without him... and this will go on until DECEMBER! Ack!

But on an even BETTER note - he'll probably get to call EVERY Sunday! He didn't say that, and the Fort didn't say that, but they DID say that he gets to call home "frequently," and since they have religious services every Sunday, I'm betting he'll get to call around that time. Hooray!! I can't wait to talk to him again!!!! I'm going to sit right next to a cell tower the whole day, to make sure I have excellent reception. There is no way my phone is going to fail to ring. I am going to be listening for my phone like you've never seen someone listen for a phone... and as soon as it rings, I am going to pick it up and scream, "I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I MISS YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU YOU ARE MY FAVORITE HANDSOME MAN IN THE ENTIRE WORLD YOU ARE THE BEST THING THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED TO ME AND I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU!" Okay, maybe not those exact words, and maybe not screaming... but definitely that amount of emotion, maybe more. Maybe I won't even be able to say anything I'll be crying so hard!! I miss him sooooooo much.

Sigh.

Well, I should go to bed. I do have school in the morning, although I don't have to run, and I don't have aerobics... I can just ... sleep in ... and maybe do some homework... and maybe... sleep in... :)

Another Lost Call

Russ called again today, this time my phone rang, but because I didn't think he was going to call again, I didn't have my phone with me. So I didn't answer it. I got kind of bummed about it. Now my phone is living with me. Never out of my sight. In case he calls. I love him so much, and I miss him a lot...

I really want to talk to him and tell him that... 

I miss him...

I miss him...

The Letter!!!

I got a letter from Russ today! I can't tell you how giddy I was to see his handwriting on a letter in the mail. I felt like I was in high school again, getting a note passed to me from my crush or something! Anyway, I thought I would just write the whole text of the letter here. Russ won't mind ;) I hope!

Hey Honey!

So I just found out that my basic won't even start until "the 5th." Thursday? That's when I'm supposed to go to basic. Until then I just hang around here in Reception going over paperwork and ... I don't know, once that's all done. I'll let you know when I know my projected graduation day.

Shoot! I just found out I have fire-watch tonight. - O.K. It's been a couple of days since I started this letter, and I've been on fireguard twice now. It's Sunday, and about 80% of my company (Bravo Company) just left for a ZZ-Top concert here on the base. The barracks are pretty quiet now.

Went to church today with 12 other privates - 3 or 4 of which came with cuase of a Lamanite-Nephite story I told them with Captain Moroni and his soldiers. It seems I might ship on Wednesday instead of Thursday, but like I said, I'll get a letter to you as quick as I can (Don't send any back to this address).

There's not much else to talk about now, since I'm just in Reception, waiting to go to basic. 

The Drill Seargant noticed me and private Ross (from Sweden) standing out of a (rated R) movie and inquired as to why. We explained the LDS take on violence, language, sex, etc, which the seargant thought was kind of strange, then, after a second of awkward silence, he said "Chronicles of Riddick it is," marched right into the auditorium and stopped the move (right in the middle) And to the moans and groans of about 400 privates whose movie had been so abruptly interrupted, he yelled, "Shut up! I don't like this movie. We're putting in a different one!"

I hope you are feeling well. Are you hanging out w/ Jessica a lot now? If so, tell her to speak only in Italian to Vince. By the way, how is he doing? Does he seem to notice my absence? When I am alone at night, I imagine him in my arms. That's where you both belong!

I love you so much! I talk about you guys all the time. Just remember if you miss me, to just talk to the 3rd member of our marriage: Heavenly Father.

Love,

Russ

So I have officially decided that I have the best husband in the world. He is the kind of guy you want to be with for eternity. The kind of guy who stands up for his beliefs, has a kind heart, loves his family, knows just what to say and when to say it, and I miss SOOO much!

I love him. I miss him. I can't wait to see him again. The temple this morning was just what I needed. I felt Heavenly Father's love for me so strongly. Like he's taking care of me - emotionally, spiritually, and in every other way.

I am so grateful for the gospel in my life and the hope and peace and comfort that I am able to have because of my testimony of the gospel. There is so much hope in the gospel! And there is so much love to be felt by Heavenly Father! I echo the words of Lehi, "I am encircled about eternally in the arms of His love"!

checking in

So there's not much to write about. School, homework, and playing with Vince. That's about all I'm doing these days. And waiting... for a letter from Russ. You can bet I'm going to pounce on that thing as soon as it comes. It will probably be framed in my bedroom. I keep checking the mailbox everyday... wishing and hoping...

I will definitely let you know when it comes. Until then, it's just the same old same old. Although Jessica is coming over on Saturday after we go to the temple. I'm so excited to go to the temple on Saturday. I think it is going to be exactly the refresher I need. And boy do I need a refresher...

the major screwup of the semester

Apparently BYU's financial system had a hiccup this past weekend. Weird, I know, for a financial system to have a hiccup. Anyway, what happened is that about 400 students were "awarded" PAST financial aid that they were never eligible for in the first place. Yeah. I know. Freaky.

So they sent out these messages to student accounts of these people saying "You were awarded a Pell Grant you weren't eligible for! Pay us back or we will come hunt you down!!" There is probably mass confusion and frustration right now at BYU. Yeah. It sucks. Good thing my husband isn't in school anymore, or I would have been completely confused. Okay, to be honest, I was completely confused... why is my husband getting a Pell Grant refund when he isn't even enrolled in classes? Yes - that is very strange. Anyway, so I gave them back their money - very hastily - once I realized what that extra $2030 was in my checking account.

What a very very very very bad problem to have. I hope too many people aren't in debt thousands of dollars now because BYU's financial system had a cold. Seriously... these kinds of things really should not happen.

back to the Y

And the first day of school comes to a close. It was actually really satisfying, even though both of my classes were in the same building - but it was the ESC, which is a pretty cool building. Tomorrow I have four classes in four different buildings. Now, some people may not think this is very out of the ordinary, but for the past year I have had 87.5% of my classes in the TMCB (that is an actual true percentage - I calculated it). This semester, I have only ONE of FIVE classes in the TMCB!! That's crazy! And it's my last math class. Weird. It's like the end is coming or something.

Now I'm going to watch videos of Russ with Vincente. Vince just came up to the computer and saw me on it and reached for the computer saying "A pai?" So I think that's a cue :)

holiday

So I have been thoroughly enjoying my holiday. I had breakfast with Jessica, which was fabulously fun. Then we went school shopping for her, then watched the new Transformers, which was hilarious and fun. Then she cooked us some yummy peppers, and then Vincente almost drove away with Christopher. He would have if I had let him. When I asked him if he wanted to come with me he shook his head. And then he started crying when I took him out of Christopher's car. Silly baby!

Anyway, then I went shopping with Chrystal and her boys. Which was super duper exciting and fun. And Mariposa was having a fabulous sale, so I bought a nice winter coat, a blazer jacket (way cute!) and three shirts for $34! Amazing, yes? Yes. And I bought myself a new skirt at Motherhood because I deserve it. You could say it was a day of emotional shopping. I don't usually shop for myself, because I usually go shopping with Russ, and it's hard for me to feel like buying stuff for myself when I'm with Russ. Sometimes you just need to go shopping with a girl. It's funny - when Russ and I were dating and engaged, he was super fun to shop with, but for some reason he's not as much fun to shop with anymore. Maybe it's because we haven't really had money to spend since then :)

So today has been completely wonderful. I'm staying distracted, which is good and healthy for me right now.

Speaking of which, it's almost time to eat food. And what better distraction than that!

I hate phones

So, apparently Russ called again on Thursday. It was "the" phone call they get. And my phone never even rang. It didn't register a missed call... nothing... just... a message. While that is all wonderful, I had my phone next to me the ENTIRE day, knowing that he would probably call... and then my phone malfunctions or the cell phone towers are busted or whatever. I should have had him call his parent's land line. But I can't remember if I was out or not. I know that Vincente and I took a long nap Thursday afternoon, because we slept through playgroup. We did a lot of shopping earlier that day, so I can't imagine that we were gone anywhere in the evening.

So I am now very very depressed. The only thing that was keeping me going this weekend was the thought that he would call sometime this week. And now I don't even have that. Now I have nothing until he sends a letter, because he didn't even have a mailing address. Maybe I'll just send something to the fort addressed to him and hope it gets to him. I miss him sooo much and I really need to have some form of communication or things will get really bad.

If I disappear from the face of the planet for the next 48 hours, don't send the search parties. Unless I don't show up for school on Tuesday... then start looking.

phone calls

Okay, so you know you're pathetically aching for a person when you use their phone to call your phone (so you can find your phone) and then when you finally find your phone, you see that you've missed calls from that person, and your heart jumps... then you remember that it was really just you calling yourself... and you feel really stupid.

On a lighter note, I have talked to Russ about three times since he's been gone, and since he's only been gone since Monday night, I'd say that's pretty good! The phone call on Thursday morning was definitely sorely needed. He had to call to ask some questions about his top secret security clearance background check thing. That's right. My husband is going to have top secret security clearance. Actually, knowing that makes me a little more afraid for him serving in the military. I mean, the people in the most danger in times of war are the infantry men, the guys holding the guns on the front lines and actually killing people. But next to that, and even in times of "peace" - the guys with the top secret knowledge - those are the ones whose names are probably top on the hit lists. Now, Russ is just a grunt, so it's not like he's going to know some crazy official confidential government secrets... but just the same... it makes me more nervous.

But he's going to love his military job - I just know it. It's totally him - learning languages, talking to people from all over the world and traveling all over the world. It just suits him perfectly. And I don't mind the military-wife life. In fact, it's something I always expected that I would do. I knew that if I married the kind of man I wanted to marry, he would probably either be in the military, or end up serving at some point in our marriage. We'll see how much I like it if he ever gets deployed to Iraq :-{

wee hours

Maybe my body is just used to getting 5 hours of sleep instead of 8. That compounded with the fact that I'm just finishing my first trimester, so I'm going from the stage where I can't eat anything substantial or I'll puke, to the stage where I have to be constantly stuffing my face with whatever I can get my hands on. So I keep waking up at 3:45 (and yes... it is about 3:45 every morning... not 3:30, not 4:00... 3:45) with my nose stuffed beyond breathability, my bladder so full I feel like I might explode, and my stomach growling obscenities at me. Yes. That is second trimester bliss. I am soooo excited...

Anyway, this morning it worked out okay, because I'm leaving around 5:20 to go to a step aerobics class with my MIL. I've worked it out now so I'll go to step on Mondays and Fridays, run Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays, and go for an evening walk with my neighbor on Wednesday evenings. So I've got my life pretty active. Hopefully it also helps me distract myself from the fact that my sweet husband is gone for a few months. I got to talk to him yesterday morning, so that makes three time since he left Monday night. That's pretty good, if you ask me! It's been keeping me sane. I can't wait to get letters. Just the anticipation of knowing that eventually there will be something in the mailbox for you makes the missing someone more bearable.

the loneliness bird

"Deep inside me the loneliness bird laid a large stone egg."

 - The Power of One

I'm really missing Russ. It hits me the hardest when I'm alone... so I try not to be alone. I try to just stay around Vincente and the rest of the huge Rowley clan whenever I can. Then I get distracted and I can't think about it too much.

But when I'm hanging out by myself... that's when it starts getting to me.

I think I was starting to get really used to Russ... and now that he's gone, I realize what I had all that time. Sometimes you take for granted what is right in front of you... and once it's gone, you realize what you would do to keep it there forever. Good thing this BCT thing is only a few months. Of course, then it's on to MORE training... *sigh* I'm just anxious for the day when we get to live in the same house again. Which actually won't be until the spring... that's a looong time!! :( I miss my Russell-head...

going solo

So Russ is officially Active Duty and off to Basic Training. I'm starting to feel lonely a little bit, but it's not too bad, yet. I'm keeping myself distracted, and Vincente is keeping me company. I've been collecting syllabi for my classes this semester so I can go buy books and start on homework a week early. I know... lame-0 me. But I might as well... this semester is going to be the hardest ever. It is the last, though, so hopefully I can make it to the end.

We found out that Russ is going to AIT right after Basic Training, so that means this baby is going to have to be born on a weekend. Since my due date is a weekend, I'm thinking that I can just be induced on my due date (hopefully I don't go earlier!). I'm not sure they would let him take time off training in order to see his baby born. It's important for us that he is there for the birth, so induction is starting to sound like a good idea. I had to be on Pitocin for Vincente's delivery, so I already know that my body responds well to the drug. It's not incredibly dangerous or risking, especially if I get induced on or after my due date. I'm pretty sure of my due date, since we were trying to get pregnant for a few months before it actually happened. I was keeping track of dates :) Anyway, I've been talking to my friend, another Becca, who had to be induced with her first. She did it without an epidural or any other drugs at all (besides the GBS anti-biotic). Of course, she didn't feel any of the contractions except during transition. I was in (hard) labor for six days with Vincente, and I took it without an epidural. I won't say it was pleasant, or that I would EVER want to do it again, but I think if I can take hard contractions that long, I should be able to take the Pitocin induced contractions for a while. Not to mention that I had to sit through about an hour of REALLY strong Pitocin induced contractions before I delivered Vincente... that was probably the worst thing I have ever had to endure. Anyway, so I'm feeling more and more confident about that possibility. I've found a CNM in Sierra Vista (probably where we will live), and the hospital sounds really nice. I'm going to talk to my CNMs about it at my next prenatal checkup in a few weeks to see what they think.

Other than that, it's school... and school.... and being a mom! Alone. For the next 4 months. How depressing. I love Russ, and I miss him so much already, and he's only been gone less than 24 hours!! I don't want to admit it, but I'm in really bad shape... I'm still in my PJs and it's after 3pm. I haven't really had much to eat - just enough to keep me from being nauseas, and I haven't really done much productive today... even though I really should. Tomorrow I'm going to go to campus to get my books and get ready for school... maybe that will help me pull out of it. I'm sure once school starts I won't have a problem - I'll be too busy to think about it.

Ship the Grad

So it's been a while - things have been crazy with school and getting Russ ready to ship, not to mention raising a 1 1/2 year old and being pregnant all at the same time! Every time you think life is going to get a little easier, it never does, the challenges are just different at different stages in your life.

The plan is to ship Russ to Basic Training here in about a week. There's a lot to do this week - a huge to do list that hopefully will get done before he leaves. He'll be there for about three months, then hopefully we'll be able to go out for his graduation. The plan will probably be to fly into Little Rock and then drive up with my folks. After that it's either 6 months of AIT, or 2 years of learning Chinese in Cali at the DLI. I'm hoping for DLI first, since he can live with us and has the evenings off and such. With AIT, he lives in the barracks and only has the weekends off. In that case, when I have baby, it better come on a weekend!

The two minutes that I had to write are gone, and now Vincente is begging me to take him outside... sooo... outside we go!!

queasy

So I thought I had staved off morning sickness, but it just turns out that it didn't make its full force entrance until this past week. I'm trying to take it easy and try to get over the nausea, but some days it's really hard.

Bleh... hopefully it only lasts a few more weeks (like last pregnancy).

We'll see.

the countdown

As is probably obvious from the lack of posts for the past few days, the boredom has ceased. Or at least eased. Life is picking up again, what with Russ leaving for Basic in a few weeks, school winding down, and Vincente becoming more and more of a toddler. Oh yeah, and the pregnancy. I've been trying to take it easy so I don't become a puking machine like I was with Vince. So far no vomit - but it's getting close. As long as I eat some dry cereal first thing in the morning while I'm laying down with a baby ice pack alternating from my stomach to my neck to my forehead and back again, I'm usually pretty good by lunch time. And I have to keep eating. I've also discovered hard mints work wonders as well, especially if I can't eat something right away. The little sugar rush spikes my blood sugar for a minute, and sucking on sometime helps ease the nausea. So I'm learning how to deal.

Russ is still working and working out and drilling for the National Guard. We only have three weeks left until he leaves for Basic. It's kind of depressing. We're making videos for Vince so he can remember Russ while he's gone. I don't want Vincente to forget his Pai in four months! But he's so little, it's going to be hard.

School this fall is going to be a challenge. Mostly because I will be away from Vincente for so much time every day. That is just going to be hard for me. It's already hard being away from him for 5 hours three days a week. But this fall it will be every day, and more time than that! :( I think I will start driving to school all the time so I can get there faster. We'll have to see how finances are in the fall.

Anyway, so there's life right now. Russ and I are planning a little weekend getaway right before he leaves, but we have to find a cheap place to stay first. Hopefully we can find something soon.